I Really Really Love Her

There is no worse pain than loving someone who won't return your love. You asked me what can you do. I'll get to that. But in order to get there, I invite you to take a little journey with me and look at this problem in an entirely different way.

First, let's start with a little background. If you've been reading my columns for a while, you know that our adult relationships recreate the relationships we had with our primary caretakers from childhood. This makes sense when you think about it.

Our parents were the first people we attached to and loved and so it's only natural that we would be drawn to the same kind of people. This is called the status quo resistance--we are simply drawn to the familiar.

But there's another reason why we recreate the familiar: We are hoping to heal the wounds we suffered in childhood. The first step in our healing quest is to choose partners who emotionally resemble the parent with whom we had the most trouble.

This enables us to recreate the problematic relationship and, hopefully, get it right this time around. This means that if your early relationship with mom or dad was violent, you will find a violent partner and recreate a violent relationship. If the relationship was unstable, that 's what you'll recreate. If your parent was an abandoner, that 's who you'll fall for in adulthood.

I refer to childhood matter with you because a bell went off in my head when I read one of the sentences in your question. Specifically you said, 'I' m constantly panicky when I think about not getting back together with her.' This sentence tells me that you are experiencing what's called separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety first occurs when a child is about 18 to 24 months old, the time of life when the child begins to separate from mom. If things go properly, mom happily lets the child go and she's there for him or her whenever he/she needs to come back for support or encouragement.

Unfortunately, in many cases this phase doesn't go right. Mom isn't available to the child when he forays away from her and then runs back to her for comfort.

If mom has abandonment issues of her own and she becomes hurt or angry when her baby separates, she will be inclined to punish him/her by not being there when he comes back to her for refueling.

This kind of early experience leaves a scar that plays itself out in adult love relationships. If a person was injured in this way, he/she will feel very upset or'panicky' when separated from the person he/she loves. Sound familiar?

I'm going to go out on another limb and suggest that you may have unconsciously fallen for a woman who is an abandoner like your mom was. Your girlfriend loved you to death and then two weeks later gave you the kiss off.

So my long winded answer to your question what should you do. If you want to work through this loss, you should think back to your childhood and come up with any and all memories of your having felt panicky when your mom wasn't there for you.

Allow the feelings to come to the surface and then have an imaginary talk with your mom. Tell her all the hurt and fear that 's in your heart.

Healing this wound is essential. You will not only resolve the panicky feeling that you're suffering with now, but you will also be free from the need to choose a future partner who will put you through similar abandonment.