Home › I Want Her Back in My Life

I Want Her Back in My Life

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 01/07/2002 - 7:00pm
in
January 7, 2002

Question

Dear Doctor Love,

I hope you have the time to respond to his email because I am upset to the point of severe depression. I have a girlfriend of close to 3 years. 3 months ago she left for a year long overseas attachment. We were the envy of everyone and were as close as imaginable. While she was overseas we called each other frequently and she cried practically everyday that she called back, telling me how much she missed me and how she cannot wait to spend the rest of her life with me. She even emailed my relatives and parents tell them how she misses them and finding out how things are. This girl is 22 years old, I am 24.

Just about 5 weeks ago. This new guy came into her life. SHe is someone who requires a lot of attention and he spend everyday with her. I was aware of it but I felt that our feelings were so strong that there was nothing to be worried about. What happened was that she called me one day and said she wanted to break up, that she had feelings for this other guy and that she had absolutely no more feelings for me. She also said she was too tired and did not want me anymore. I love her and respect her decision. But somehow certain events happened and now she has to come back home. Cutting short her year long attachment.

All this has happened in just a period of about 4 weeks. So now she is coming back and now I really don't know what to do. She says that she really needs me around as a friend and begged me not to leave her alone when she comes back. At the same time she says she cannot give us a second shot because she is afraid she will hurt me again and also because she cannot understand how she can have feelings for someone else when she is supposedly supposed to be in love with me.

I love this girl. I really want to be there for her and I know that I only need a chance to show her how much I still love her and I know I can make her happy. She says she cannot even remember the good times we shared anymore! Even though that was just 3 months ago! Is that possible? Can you love someone so intensely and then change in one week? Can everything just disappear like that?

I want her back in my life. I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her. We do talk occasionally and she is coming back in two weeks. Everytime I will remind her that I still love her but she will just keep quiet. I really don't know what to do. If she still has feelings how do i make her realise it? She says that one of the other reasons she doesn't want to get back is because everything is just too familiar. . is that just an excuse? I have poured my heart out to her but she is not the sort to open up.

I really don't know what to do Please help


Answer

I am sorry that you are so upset. I know that you are hoping that I can give you a magic solution for bringing her back to you. You are seeing the outer layer of the problem and hoping to find solutions to what you think the problem is--namely that she needs to be reminded that you still love her. The fact is that the solution to this problem isn't in your hands. The reason why her feelings have switched off is due to deep-seated emotional problems on her part, and this is why the solution to these problems is not in your hands.

Let me explain. I think that she has not developed beyond emotional infancy. Here's why. Young babies have no object constancy, which means that when mom is out of sight, mom doesn't exist. That's why babies need constant reassurances from mom. Without this, the baby falls to pieces. Over time, if the mother is consistently present and loving toward the baby, the baby comes to know that mom is there even when he/she can't see her. As time goes by, the young child becomes more and more able to tolerate separations from mom, knowing that mom is 'there' even though she isn't physically present at a given momen. If a child doesn't develop this object constancy, he/she will be unable to form healthy adult relationships; he/she will become terribly anxious during periods of separation, will require constant reassurances of the other person's love, and may find it impossible to sustain a connection with another person if separated for too long.

It sounds to me as though your girlfriend has never developed object constancy. She cried in your absence and needed you to always tell her that you loved her. When your reassurances weren't enough, she had to find someone else to love her in your absence. When she says that she can't even remember having loved you, this is part of the same problem. Out of sight, out of mind. She isn't able to keep you and your love alive because she has never developed the psychological apparatus required to do so.

When she says that she is afraid that she will hurt you again, she is telling you that she knows that something is wrong inside herself and that she will slip again. She is right. Without therapy, she will slip again. You can tell her what I said and suggest that she enter therapy before making any rash decisions about ending your relationship. Beyond that, there is nothing that you can do. I am sorry that you had to suffer like this.

Keep in mind that if you convince her to come back to you, you are in danger of being dropped again if and when she is separated from you and needs someone else to fill the void created by your absence.

- Doctor Love

Did you find this article helpful, informative, inspiring?

If so, please help me keep this site alive and growing by spreading the word to others or checking out my books and programs. You can:

  • Share this

Syncrohearts Board Game