I'm Afraid He'll Leave Me

You have been so damaged and mistreated in your life that it's no wonder that you are scared. You know the saying, 'Cats who have been burned by hot water become afraid of cold water. ' Well, you are in the same boat. You've been so used and hurt by everyone who has come into your life, that you are scared of all humans.

You are going to need help to heal. The best way to do this healing is in therapy. There you can form a 'dry run' relationship with someone who cares about you and doesn't use and dump you. If individual therapy seems too scary, join a therapy group in which you will form connections with many people who love you and don't leave you. The goal in therapy is for you to reprogram your brain with the help of new and healthy experiences with others.

A couple of enduring connections will begin to teach you that the whole world isn't like your parents. Now, you may be thinking, but my friends and even other boyfriends used and dumped me too. What you need to see is that battered children choose friends and lovers who batter them as well. This is because your brain thinks that it's normal to be mistreated, and so your unconscious mind leads you to find friends and lovers who keep you right at home. You need to rewire your mind so that you stop choosing abusers.

Therapy is the main way that this will happen. In therapy you will also need to learn how to 'parent' yourself and heal the wounded child inside you. If you notice, you have spent your life putting others ahead of you and taking care of them. Many battered children do this because they hope that by being'good' that they will finally win the love they need. Of course this method doesn't work and leaves you feeling used up, empty, and even more abused. You also need to see that you are utterly dependent on your boyfriend. You say that you can't live without him and would be nothing without him.

You realize that being so dependent puts you in a terrifying position. What if he leaves? You will be lost and in the gutter. What you need to realize is that you are going to need to be your own loving parent, something that sounds completely odd to you right now. You have no model for loving yourself and being kind to yourself. But, you are going to need to learn how to do this for yourself. Then, you will feel much less helpless, dependent, and terrified of being loved and left your boyfriend.

If you know that you can count on yourself to take care of yourself, then, paradoxically, you will be much less afraid to connect to your boyfriend and others because you will know that you will be fine without him. You are also going to need to find out if your boyfriend is the type of person who needs to play the role of rescuer and a caretaker and wouldn't be comfortable with you if you became more self-sufficient. If this is so, then you are going to need to be very careful. If staying damaged and dependent is your only way of keeping him, you need to make sure that this is the way you want to go.

Many would tell you that you need to heal and parent yourself before you even think of forming a relationship with another. This is because the type of person you will choose later on will be different than the person you will choose right now. As you heal yourself and become less dependent on others for your emotional survival, you will see that your fear of being dropped will ease. Another way of easing the fear is to make a clear distinction between your boyfriend and the abusers of your past. That is, you need to teach yourself that he isn't like all the others.

But, before you reassure yourself of this fact, you need to make sure that he is actually different. So, ask yourself: am I afraid of his loving and leaving me because my unconscious has chosen another abusive type? Take a hard look at him, how he relates to his friends and family, how he has behaved in previous relationships, and answer the above question honestly.

If you can say that this man is truly different than all the others that you have known, then you can reprogram your own wiring by reminding yourself how he differs from the other people in your past (that he's loyal, constant, and true). You must also realize that because of your past experiences, you are going to be afraid for quite some time.

Over time, you will find that your own self-nurturance and growing self-sufficiency combined with his consistency should help to reprogram your brain so that you can begin to allow yourself to experience love and stop bracing for another emotional beating. You are on a journey and the road is long. Just put your foot on the path and keep feeling, talking, and walking and you will get there.