I'm My Husband 's Mother!

I understand that you want your husband to grow-up. Your question reminds me of the lightbulb joke, 'How many psychiatric patients does it take to change a lightbulb?' Answer: One, but he has to really want to change. Your situation with your hubbie is the same. He has to want to change--to grow-up.

Right now, you are the only one who wants him to grow up. No dice. Since we can't change him, we must face the fact that you are the only one who can change. Your own changes will reverberate into his world, and this can only help to 'motivate' him to mature. So let's talk about you. In order to change the state of affairs in your house, you are going to need to accept two facts: First, no pattern continues unless it meets the needs of both partners. We need to find out how his staying a child satisfies some need (probably unconscious) inside you; and second, you are going to need to become aware of what you are doing to encourage him to stay a child. On the first point: what you gain from being his mother/caretaker.

Possibility One: Your mom was a caretaker to dad. If so, you learned that this is the way women are supposed to behave, which means that you are stuck in a status quo resistance. Staying with the familiar is comfortable and therefore rewarding. As it stands now, your discomfort over living with a childish husband probably outweighs the comfort (or reward) you may experiencing by staying with the familiar. This makes you ripe for change, so read on.

Possibility Two: You play the role of mother because you need to be in control. By running the show, including your husband, you may be satisfying the need to stay on top of all aspects of your life, which necessarily puts you in the role of parent to your husband. If you need to be in control, figure out why. Did you pattern yourself after a parent who was a control freak? If so, observe how you mimic your parent and make a conscious choice: to either continue what you are doing and feel walked on or to step out of character and let him take some authority for a change. Are you afraid that your emotions (rage, anxiety, sexual urges) will get out-of-hand if you loosen your hold of the reins? If you are a control freak as a means of protecting yourself from going haywire, work in therapy on accepting your feelings--all of them. When you do, you won't need to control your world or your husband any longer.

Possibility Three: You hope that being needed will build your self-esteem. Being needed is a sorry substitute for feeling good about yourself. Many women choose men who need a lifetime supply of Pampers. While you may feel needed and valued as you prop your guy up, you soon will develop chapped nipples and a case of terminal resentment. Heal your self-esteem in therapy and when you do you won't need to keep propping him up at your own expense.

Possibility Four: You were emotionally neglected and/or abused as a kid. This type of history is classic caretaking bait. It is very common for someone who was emotionally deprived to give the mothering to others (spouse and children) that he/she lacked. The fantasy being that caretaking others will magically fill your own emotional tank: wrong. Instead, you end up feeling like an abused and deprived adult, which keeps your chilhood wounds alive instead of healing them. Taking care of number one is the best way to break the cycle of mothering others.

I have given you lots of reasons why you may have an unconscious need to mother your husband. Once you identify and resolve these issues, you will be ready to move to the next step, which is to stop doing whatever it is that you are doing to keep your husband from growing up. Don't try to go straight to step two (and skip step one). You won't be able to change your behavior (stop mothering him and/or rewarding his infantile ways) until you have resolved your own issues.

Step two: Look at what you are doing to mother him and/or reward his childish ways. Nagging: Nagging enrages the person who is on the receiving end of the nagging. Nobody wants to change or be responsive to someone that he/she is angry at. Behaving as though the household tasks belong to you alone: When you ask him to 'do you a favor ' or 'help you out, ' you send out the message that the tasks are yours, not ours.

It would be much better to collaborate as a team, let him choose his tasks, you choose yours. No longer remind him of his (which puts you in the mother role). If he doesn't do his tasks, don't you dare take them on and don't remind him. Instead, find another way of dealing with his behavior so that it hurts him not you. Yelling and nagging isn't the answer. More powerful are the following two suggestions.

Rewarding acceptable behavior: All people, children as well as childish adults, crave praise. A childish spouse doesn't make you feel like praising him, I know. But, when you take the bait and become his angry, nagging mother, you unwittingly arrange to keep him in a state of childlike rebellion. The more angry he becomes at you for nagging and raging at him, the less he will want to collaborate with you. Soon he isn't doing his part to get even with you. Rewarding even small efforts to be responsible often breaks the irresponsible cycle.

Ignoring bad behavior: The best way to 'break' bad behavior is to ignore it. Research shows again and again that punishment (including nagging and raging at someone) actually encourages more bad behavior. This is because the person you rag at resents your nagging and gets even down the line by not doing what you want.

Stop rewarding him for dumping on you. Let's say he doesn't hold up his end and you still cook his favorite meal, which says, 'Go ahead dump on me, I'll still be nice to you. ' Don't reward someone who mistreats you. Instead ask him how he wants you to respond to his lack of initiative? Be willing to live in a pig pen: He has learned that you will eventually do whatever it is that he isn't doing, so he knows that his irresponsibility will eventually be rewarded by you doing for him. What if you don't? What if you let the garbage pile up and the dishes linger in the sink? If you can look the other way, you will be sending out a very clear message: I refuse to take on your tasks. Oftentimes a strike gets your message across and breaks the deadlock.

Not letting him do his tasks in his own timeframe: Many times a woman will become annoyed that her husband isn't doing a task in a timely enough fashion (for her) and so she will break down and do the task herself. This behavior teaches a man that if he drags his feet long enough, he won't have to do the task at all.

I have given you lots of information. You also would be wise to read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). There is an entire chapter in the book on men who won't grow up, the reasons why, and how to help them move forward. Let me know how you do.