Insecure Girl Who's Called Off the Wedding but Now Wants to Go Back

First let me say how much I admire your courage and honestyMany people believe that "honesty is the best policy" in intimate relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. Practicing this philosophy by speaking your mind at all costs may cost you...(Click for full definition.). You've already made the most important step toward healing by owning your problem. I commend you for your strength of character. Most people who behave abusively refuse to admit it.   I understand that you were afraid that that your boyfriend was going to drop you. You pulled a preemptive strike and broke off the relationship before he did. It sounds like your boyfriend is much healthier than your family. The fact that you attracted a man like him says that you are already light years beyond your family.   At this point, you have two issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. : First to resolve the abusive behavior and second to see whether you can save the relationship. They are connected. I believe that if your boyfriend knows that you are committed to solving the problem, he will feel safer about being with you. If you want him back, then tell him what you told me, namely that you know you have a problem and that you are committed to resolving it.   In terms of how to stop the abusive behavior, read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict. You can download the ebook immediately right from the site or buy a hard copy from Amazon. One of the things you will learn is that adult relationships constantly trigger feelings from childhood because the unconscious mind compares present day events with childhood experiences. This phenomenon is similar to the Lake Effect in which a storm system gains in intensity as it draws moisture from the Great Lakes. Similarly, when your mind unconsciously associates a present day event with a wound from childhood you will experience a disproportionately huge reaction to the current event. You also will also find it hard to shake the feeling. The earlier wound has been reactivated because your mind keeps returning to these experiences and traumas in an attempt to heal and worked through the feelings. Making the link and then working through the feelings will help you to heal the old wound. Making the association also helps to cool you down. My book will show step-by-step how to do this work. It will also show you how to turn raw anger into productive communications that will bring you closer to your boyfriend rather than pull you apart.   I also want you to know that abusive behavior is caused by an impulse disorders, which means that you have trouble controllingExamples of controlling behavior include within an intimate relationship include: one partner isolating the other from his/her friends or family; not letting ythe partner go out of the house, to the...(Click for full definition.) your angry impulses. I want to teach you a technique that help you develop impulse control so that when you feel a rage impulse, you will be able to control your actions. At this point, when you are angry, you have no fuse. You go from stimuli (whatever is said or done to tick you off) to explosion without any delay. What we want to do is develop a longer and longer fuse, so that you can separate the stimuli from the explosion.   To do this, you need to recognize the "premonitory" sensations that you feel in your body BEFORE you blow. Do you feel a tightness in your chest or stomach? Do your muscles tense? Do you feel like your brains are going to explode. Whatever you feel, identify it. Then the next time you feel this sensation, stop and say, "Warning rage is coming up." Then instead of saying or doing something abusive, take another action: distance yourself, go to the john and splash water on your face or take a walk. This operation of controlling your actions will help you develop a longer fuse. This technique is similar to lifting weights. At first you feel weak, but, in time, you develop the ability to resist more and more weight. As you do what I describe, you will be teaching your psychic muscles to bear the weight of your feelings. Soon you will be able to stop acting them out.   When you take distance, ask yourself what the current event reminds you of from your childhood. Make the link. Then separate what's happening now with your boyfriend from what happened then. What is different? How is he different?   Next, when you are calm use my "X, Y Formula," which is the substitute for abusive behavior. I fully outline the formula in the book. To abbreviate, you want to say what happened and how you feel about it. "I feel X, when Y happens (or when Y is said or done). Finish by saying what you would prefer in the future. I fully outline this formula in the book. Be careful to stay cool, describe how you feel, which is a more neutral way of communicating rather than expressing or venting.   You will also find it helpful to tell your boyfriend how the current event reminds you of the past. Doing so will help him realize that your reaction isn't all about him, which will help him feel less threatened and more supportive of you. Your job is to speak to him CALMLY, no attacks, no raised voices. Speak to him in a way that will make him want to listen and understand you. His job is to do just that. I would like him to also read the book, so that he learns how to properly respond to you. If he doesn't listen and understand; if he defends and justifies himself that will only upset you and we'll be back to where we started.   On a final note, I want you to pay attention the fact that anger (and the abusive behavior that results from it) is a symptom of other deeper feelings. For example, when you are angry you are really hurt. In turn, you are hurt because you had a need that wasn't met. It's vital that you begin to pay attention to yourself and identify your needs. Stating what you need will help you feel more fulfilled, so you won't be feeling so hurt and angry!   Let me hear how you progress in this work. I want to hear from you!