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Is it normal/healthy for a man to be unable to promise that there won't ever be "temptations" down the road.

Submitted by jamie on Tue, 03/09/2010 - 1:45pm
March 9, 2010

Question
Hi Dr. Love,   I hope you can help. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2  years, and we have made physical, emotional, and financial commitments to be together long term. He moved from his hometown to be with me, and we even bought a home together. My family adores him (and they are pickier than I am!) and he really possesses 98% of the qualities that I longed for so long in a man and was thrilled when he came into my life. We've been so incredibly happy, but he is scared to death of marriage. He makes me feel like I'm the only woman on earth, but yet the thought of presenting a ring to me is absolutely terrifying for him. I have this theory that men who respect the idea of marriage are often the ones to value it more and protect it like it was their own child, but with him being *this* afraid, tells me that he may not trustMutual trust is a shared belief that you can depend on each other to achieve a common purpose. More comprehensively trust defined as "the willingness of a party (trustor) to be vulnerable to the...(Click for full definition.) our ability to work through important issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. in our relationships, or worse, he simply doesn't trust himself. He said something that stung my heart last night: "I can't promise there will never be temptations later down the road." For me, this shouldn't be the words of a man truly serious about a woman and the thought of marrying her. We've only been together 2 years and already he's predicting he may have tempations? That just doesn't sound normal to me. But at the same time, the whole concept of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" rings in my ear, so does that excuse his comment? Do most men possibly entering into a marriage feel this way and just don't verbally say it? Was Rob just being "too" honest, when most men would just lie to their girlfriend/fiance and say "You'll always be the only one for me honey." It's also possible that his parents divorceDivorce is a legal dissolution of the marriage bond. Many couples divorce themselves from each other on an emotional level long before a legal divorce is sought. As I say in my book, Till Death Do Us...(Click for full definition.) when he was a child may be raising his fears, but mine have been married almost 40 years. I value marriage as much as my parents. I've always wanted to feel like the only one, and I have up until last night when he said that to me. We've NEVER had  infidelity/trust issues....neither of us are the cheatingSee Infidelity. type at all...I think he's just scared, but I was hoping you could shed some more light on this. I will admit because of physical issues for me regarding sex, he and I have had a few problems in that area, but when we are able to be intimate- it's truly wonderful! Our issue in that department is nothing we can't work on and we've discussed that several times. I'm just wondering if he'll ever come around and find me worth popping the question. :(      

 


Answer
First of all let me say that the last sentence in your question is the key to the entire problem. You said, "I'm just wondering if he'll ever come around and find me worth popping the question." Do you hear what's wrong with this sentence? You are inserting your own ego and taking his reticence personally; as a sign that he doesn't love you enough. When you think this way, you become the walking wounded. All your communications to him emanate from this distorted and hurt perspective.   To be constructive with him, you need to first and foremost take your ego out of this. His reticence has ZERO to do with you and how much he loves you. He adores you. That's clear. That's not the issue.
This man is scared to death. You said the reason why. His own parents didn't make it and he's scared that he won't make it either.
Once you are able to see this situation from a more neutral, less wounded place, I bet you will be able to come up with some very creative ways of dealing with him.   The first creative idea is to stop trying to convince him that he should marry. Instead join his fear. You know the old saying, "If you can't beat them, join them." Joining is magical. When you take on the other person's reluctance and voice it, suddenly the other person doesn't need to hold on so tightly to that reluctance. What's more, when the other person hears the reluctance voiced aloud, it often sounds silly to him/her and it is easier to let go of.   I would begin by saying you thought about his reluctance and you have to agree that it makes sense. After all, during hiw own formative years he watched his own parents' marriage fail. So no wonder he doubts. You would too!   Also, I wonder if their marriage failed due to his dad's infidelity. If it did, that would explain why he wonders if a man can remain faithful. If this is confirmed, then join that fear by saying something like. No wonder you're worried. Perhaps you figure like father like son! Given your role model, no wonder you're not sure about your own capacity for fidelity; you weren't raised by my father who was a faithful role model for 40 years. This last joining remark puts a challenge to him and says there are other guys who can do it. You are subtly asking him if he wants to be more than his father or no better than his father?  you expect.   Just keep on joining the fear and you will see miracles occur.  

Please keep me posted! 

- Doctor Love

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