Jealous Man

I give you credit for writing to me. More often, I receive desperate letters from people who are dating or married to jealous partners who won't get help for themselves. So, good for you that you had the guts to recognize your problem and seek therapy.

I can put you on the path to understanding the cause(s) of your jealousy.You are probably going to need to do private therapy in order to completely resolve the problem.

To understand the cause of your jealousy fits ask yourself, 'When I have a fit of jealousy, what thoughts and feelings are causing me to freak out?' I would imagine that your jealousy is triggered by the thought that your fiance is cheating on you; and the feeling that comes up when you have this thought is sheer fear. Fear of what? Probably fear of losing her, which is actually fear of abandonment.

Next, you need to realize that distorted and overblown emotional reactions to present day events are the result of unresolved childhood wounds. You see, the mind constantly associates current events with similar experiences from childhood. This explains why fireworks can be going off inside you when a relatively minor incident occurs. Whenever we react in a distorted or overly intense way, be sure that a childhood wound is fueling the fire.

For example, let's say my father never had time for me. As an adult, I will be hypersensitive to signs that my husband is ignoring me. When my husband glances down at his watch, for example, my mind will be thinking, he can't wait to get away from me, just like my dad. If this association between my father and my husband isn't made conscious, I will fly into a fit and rip my husband a new orifice, not knowing why. If I can make my association conscious (between my husband 's behavior and memories of my father), I will realize why I am reacting so violently before I fly off.

In order to put your jealousy fits to sleep for good, you need to figure out the specific associations that are being triggered by your fiance's actions. When you identify the trauma that is rearing its head, you can begin to work through the feelings and heal the wound once and for all. To figure out what childhood wound you are associating to, focus on the painful feelings that come up whenever you think that your fiance is cheating on you. Then ask yourself, 'When did I feel this way as a child?' Conjure up a clear memory. What was happening (who did what to whom?)

For a complete guide to healing your childhood wounds, see my new book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Marital Conflict. There is an entire chapter on the subject of how to decipher and heal the old wounds that are awakened by the marital relationship. When you figure out that exact nature of your wound, you will be on the path to healing.

Next, your goal is to separate then from now so that you stop allowing the past to 'bleed' into the present. In order to stop linking past and present, here's what you do. The next time you start to freak out, don't say or do anything. Go off by yourself and figure out what childhood memory has been awakened.

Then, when you are clear on what aspect of your childhood has been triggered, step back and say to yourself, 'Is there any reason for me to believe that my fiance is doing to me what my mother or father did?' Is there any other possible interpretation to explain her behavior?' And, 'How is my fiance different from my mother and father?'

When you separate past and present and you see your fiance for who and what she is rather than view her as the ghosts from your childhood, your jealousy fits should fade away.