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John Doesn't Know About Steve and Vice Versa

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 03/18/2002 - 8:00pm
March 18, 2002

Question

I am a nurse in an ICU, and he is a pulmonologist who sees patients there. He is 54 and I am 41. We became friends over time.

He has a wife who has MS. She has become so incapacitated, that she is in a nursing home, now , for 8 months. I became concerned about 'John' when he looked depressed and lost a lot of weight. I asked him if he would like to meet for coffee and talk. We did and we started to meet regularly and do things. He since has booked a long weekend trip to New Orleans for us, while he attends a medical conference there. I agreed. He visits his wife daily, and will not do anything to hurt her. She is 55.

He has become alive again. We have a sexual relationship. I enjoy his company, but the fact that he has become so attatched to me and has told me he has fallen in love with me, concerns me. Where can this relationship go? We enjoy each others company.

He is not active, like I am. I work out, and I really like engaging conversation. I have since met another man, who I have been e-mailing daily, and talking on the phone with. He is very bright, very active; he bicycles, and works out. He is 49 y/o, single, and very fun to to talk to. We met last night for dinner and hit it off well. I really enjoy his company. He wants to see me again soon.

The first man, 'John', has done a lot for me; he laid grass for me in my yard, while I was at work, and it was a surprise. He watches out for me and is always there. I feel confused. I don't want to hurt him. He does not know about 'Steve' and 'Steve' does not know about 'John'. I want to see 'Steve' again. What should I do?


Answer

It isn't my role to tell you what to do. I can help you see more clearly into yourself, so that you can make a decision that's right for you.

It sounds like you and John have been living under a lot of unspoken assumptions. It seems that you read John as not being available to you in any long term way since he is devoted to his wife. As a result of your assumption, you continued looking for a life partner and now you have found Steve, who seems more compatible with you than John is. Because John is good to you and is always there for you, I think you feel like you owe him on some level. Dating behind his back feels like you are misusing him.

At this point you need to clarify what you want for yourself. It's not clear whether you actually want a long term committment from John. You seem to feel that Steve is more compatible with you. So first clarify if you are even willing to consider a committment to John. If this is where you want to go, then you must find out if this relationship can, in fact, go somewhere.

To do so, you would ask John if he would be willing to leave his wife for you. If not, then he needs to know that you feel the need to date others and keep your options open. If he is willing to see you on this basis, in order to satisfy his need for companionship and occasional sex, then you can explore other options, including the possibility that Steve might be a good partner for you.

The problem is that this conversation should have happened long ago. Had you clarified your mutual positions, you wouldn't be in such an akward position in which it feels like you are two-timing John. It's never too late to put your cards on the table with John.

- Doctor Love

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