Just Moved in and Ready to Send Him Packing

You have more than one issue with your boyfriend. I would lump all your complaints into the general category--he isn't responsive to you. Specifically, he doesn't compliment you enough and he's controlling and rigid rather than collaborative.

The bottom line is you're angry, and as a result you are now finding fault with many of his qualities. The problem is that you have more than one gripe and if you mention everything in one discussion (the Kitchen Sinking Open Warfare Fight Trap) he's going to feel dumped on and will likely become defensive rather than responsive.

Therefore, I would suggest picking one issue; you can discuss the other issues during future talks. When you talk to him, don't blame or criticize, stay cool and use my proven method. Start by Knocking on His Door, to make sure he's available and then deliver what I call your Ice Breaker. This sounds like: 'Honey, I have something important to discuss with you. Are you free now?'

If he says, no, then pick a time that 's mutually convenient.

If he says yes, start off with a Disclaimer, a positive statement that praises him for a quality that you admire, ideally a quality that will help you in the upcoming discussion. Next deliver what I call the Disclaimer, which is a statement that takes his ego off the hook, gives him the benefit of the doubt, and lets him know that you aren't out to attack him or deprive him of vital bodily parts.

For example, 'I've always admired what a good problem solver you are, and I think I haven't encouraged you to use this skill to help us (or something similar). 

When his dukes are down, he'll be more willing to work with you rather than fight you. Only say what you really think and feel. Here's an example of a Disclaimer that might be right for you: I know what a kind person you are and that you would never intentionally do or say anything to hurt me.'

Now state your issue using my X, Y formula. This is a concise Problem Statement (the XY Formula), which consists of saying, I feel X (hurt, sad, angry, scared, etc. ), when Y (description of the action or behavior that bothers you) is said or done. I would intentionally avoid the word YOU in order to minimize the risk that he feels personally attacked.

Your Problem Statement  (the X, Y Formula) would sound like: I feel hurt (undesired) when I'm not romanced on a regular basis. Now finish with the Suggestion for the Future: And I would feel so happy to be told what is loving or attractive about me.

This is your best shot at getting him to hear what you're saying. I suspect that he's been feeling blamed and criticized by you. Then he becomes angry and doesn't feel like responding to you. You become more angry and blaming and voila vicious cycle time. Stay cool no matter how hurt and angry you are, use my X, Y Formula and you'll break the cycle.

As for the other issue, that of his not considering you in the decision making process, use the same formula as above. Knock, issue your Ice Breaker, Disclaimer, and use the XY Formula, finishing with a Suggestion for the Future.

You can dig your way out of the mess. It will take discipline on your part not to rip his throat out. Keep in mind that you, like most people, have unknowingly had a hand in helping him be unresponsive to you. Of course you never learned the above formula --it's not taught in school!

So each time you've tried to 'talk' to him, he's felt attacked and blamed and was unwilling to listen and respond. So pull the plug on the past, and begin talking to him in a way that will work. Stay cool and use my formula. This will encourage him to want to hear and respond to you.

When he responds, praise him for his efforts, however small, and he'll be encouraged to continue doing what you like. By the way, even if you break up, you will find yourself in this same predicament with your next partner. So why not learn how to communicate your needs with him?

If, God forbid, he's a lost cause, which I doubt, your learning won't have been in vain. You'll take your skills with you to your next relationship.

Let me know how you make out.