Lady Who is Married to the 'Jiffy Lube' Man

I think we should call your husband the 'Jiffy Lube' man. That is, he expects you to become lubricated (and aroused) in a jiffy. Based upon what we know about normal female sexual response, your husband's expectations are not realistic. This is why most couples engage in at least 20 minutes of foreplay before the woman feels excited enough to have intercourse. And, most women require 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. So, I am not at all convinced that you take too long. Too long for your husband, perhaps, but not too long for the average woman.

Since I don't know how long you need to become excited, I will assume for the moment that you are having a problem getting aroused quickly enough ( although I'm not convinced) and I will discuss all the possible reasons why sexual arousal might be impeded.

If you have found your desire decreasing over time, you might want to make sure that certain health problems, such as low thyroid levels, hormone imbalances such as low estrogen or low testosterone levels are not reducing your desire. I assume that your periods are normal and your menstrual cycle is regular. If it isn't, then have a thorough gynecological check up. If everything is normal, you can check my Wellness Dictionary under Sex Drive and learn about the herbs that can pump up your drive.

Let's get off (no pun intended) the subject of health for a second and examine some emotional factors that can inhibit a woman's sexual desire. You said that you have been fighting with your husband about this issue. Anger kills desire. I am sure that you are pissed off at him for not accepting your own rhythmn.

Also, worrying about whether you will become excitied quickly enough is another desire buster. In fact, people must be totally relaxed to become aroused. Anger and fear could explain why you aren't getting excited fast enough.

Fear of intimacy is another desire buster. Keep in mind that many couples are afraid to be close and they fight about sex as a way of keeping distance. In other words, by arguing over your not getting excited, he ' falls off' and no one is getting off.

So, I think that there are issues here that are deeper than sex. The question is: is he using this,'you're too slow' ploy to keep you away from him or are you not getting aroused in order to keep him away from you, or both. You might want to discuss this issue together and see what comes up (again no pun intended).

Also, the fact that he becomes so angry when you don't get aroused fast enough for him makes me think that he is reading a meaning into your lack of arousal. That is, I think your lack of desire is read as an insult to his manhood. He's not a good enough lover, etc. I think his feelings are bruised, and he becomes angry as a consequence. I would also talk with him about how he feels inside when you are slow to arouse. What are his thoughts. How does he interpret your lack of arousal? If he speaks to you honestly, I am sure that his hurt and feelings of failure will come out. If this is so, then you can remind him that all women are like you, and that it is normal for men to be excited much more quickly than women.

If you can help him to understand and feel comfortable about the normal differences between men and women's sexuality, then we have a chance here. When the anger and fighting subsides, you can both begin to experiment and have some fun. You might be able to work as a loving team on finding creative solutions. After all, lovemaking is supposed to be about joining of body, mind and soul, not running a relay race.

So, if you can talk to each other like loving partners, instead of enemies or competitors, then you would have some energy available to try various options: sensual massages, loving words and sensual touches outside the bedroom do a lot for creating the mood and heightening arousal, giving him an orgasm before he even begins to arouse you, so that the pressure is off both of you. Again, when you are friends not enemies your own creativity will take hold.

So, I have said a lot. I think that for you both the main thing is to help your husband understand that your slow arousal is normal and not a sign that he is failing you. Once the hurt and anger diminishes, you should be able to find some creative ways to make love so that both of you feel loved and accepted.