Lady Whose Husband Says He Never Loved Her

I hear how heartbroken you are. But all is not lost. There is a solution to this problem.

Tucked into the middle of your letter, was a vital clue to the source of the problem and the key to solve it. You said your husband holds resentments from years ago. Buried resentment kills love feelings. So, when your husband says that he can't sustain love, what he is really saying is that he buries his anger. No wonder he can't sustain love.

Second clue: You mentioned that you explode when you are angry.

Explosive outbursts leave the receiver feeling angry. Now, if the receiver happens to be someone who can't handle his anger properly and buries it, you can begin to see what a dangerous combination you have here.

So, what needs to be done to repair this relationship? First of all, you must agree to deal with your angry feelings differently. From now on, when you feel angry, walk away, count to ten, never ever express or vent raw rage to him again. I am not saying that you can't feel the feelings of anger--you can; but, you must never give raw rage to your mate again.

This is true for all of us, not just you alone. I discuss this point in debth in my new book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), and I will let all of you know when the book is available. In any case, when it comes to angry feelings, we all must step back, and cooly and factually describe the behavior that upset us. We must speak like scientists describing an object (our feelings) under the microscope. This cool and factual description of feelings permits the receiver to hear us and not feel damaged.

Also, when we describe why we are upset, we must use what I call the x, y formula. I felt x when y was said or done to me. In order to protect your marriage (and ultimately yourself), you must agree: no more venting raw emotions.

At the same time, you must tell your husband that he can't work this problem out on his own. Because yours is a relationship problem, it must be healed within the relationship, with the help of the other person in the relationship--you.

Next, I would tell him that you realize that he has been very angry with you over the years for the way you have delivered your rage to him. Tell him that you realize that you have not spoken properly and that you will change on this point.

Then, explain to him that buried anger is killing his feelings of love for you, and that he needs to work on his pattern of swallowing his feelings with you. Tell him that you want him to promise to tell you, right in the moment, if you say or do something that upsets him. Remind him that if he quits this relationship that his problem will follow him wherever he goes and when his next lover (wife) pisses him off, he will swallow his feelings of anger and, soon, he will wonder why he can't sustain love with her. So, you are inviting him to solve the problem with you.

To review the plan: You promise to stop exploding and he promises to tell you in the moment whenever you say or do something to upset him.

Remember that when he tells you what upset him, you need to be very open and interested and thank him for his feedback. This will encourage him to keep bringing you feedback. Realize that his feedback is love insurance for both of you.

You will find that as you both handle your anger differently that his love feelings will return.

Let me know how you make out.