Home › Less Than a Woman

Less Than a Woman

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 08/04/2003 - 7:00pm
in
August 4, 2003

Question

In April i underwent emergency surgery and when i got to the recovery room my husband was crying when i asked why he said the took both my ovaries cause they were full of cancer that left a scar from my belly button to my pelvic area and then we found out i had colon cancer and had to get treatment.

none of my hair is falling out or any thing but i had to get a mediport put in my chest and it is visible my husband can't get sexual with me cause of the physical scar and mediport and i already feel like half a woman with my ovaries being gone.

it's very hard cause outsiders tell me how great i look and how much weight i've lost but what do i do about my husband who i love so much. we are going to renew our vows on aug. 31st but how can i if he is letting theese scars get in the way what can i do?

signed,

less than a woman.


Answer

You have been through a nightmare. You are hardly less of a woman for having survived this incredible ordeal. You have come through a life threatening illness and you are scarred emotionally and physically.

When I read your letter, I tried to imagine what you and your husband must be feeling and then I noticed the word that you repeatedly misspelled. The word was scarred. Each time you spoke of being scarred from the surgery, you wrote the word scared.

At first I thought this was a simple typographical error and then I thought that the misspelling may actually have been a message from your unconscious mind telling me that you and your husband are scared. Why wouldn't you both be scared. You almost died. Perhaps you are afraid that you still might die.

If I am right, your husband 's withdrawal from you has more to do with his feelings of fear over losing you than his being turned off by your scars. Let me explain. I think that your husband adores you and that he is absolutely terrified to lose you. One way of dealing with that terror is to emotionally cut off and pull back, in order to protect himself from the pain of losing you.

If you talk to him, I am sure that he will admit to being scared of losing you. He needs to be helped to feel the fear and connect to you all the same. The point of life is to live in this moment and love fully.

Preventing himself from loving you in the now means that he is futurizing, meaning that his imagining the pain of losing you in the future is preventing himself from loving you now. He needs to live in the now.

Yes we all will die some day, but holding back and not loving you won't make him suffer less when you die before him. To love is to lose and losing does hurt. Not allowing himself to love you fully won't prevent him from suffering when you go. He will simply live a half life in the meantime and he won't be creating wonderful memories with you. Those memories are the greatest salve for the pain of losing.

Get him talking about his fear of losing you and I bet that he will be able to reconnect with you physically, scars and all. Please keep in touch and let me know how you both do.

- Doctor Love

Did you find this article helpful, informative, inspiring?

If so, please help me keep this site alive and growing by spreading the word to others or checking out my books and programs. You can:

  • Share this

Syncrohearts Board Game