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Looking for Happiness

Submitted by jamie on Wed, 12/09/2009 - 2:48pm
in
December 9, 2009

Question

Dear Dr. Love,

We have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 4 years now. All this time we've been living in different cities quite far away from each
other with an opportunity to meet for approximately 1 week every 2-3 months.
Till recently we had plans to get married in about 2 years (we hope to have a chance to move to one city by that time).

My problem is that I don't feel particularly attracted to my boyfriend now and it seems I've never felt this way. I notice that many things start to annoy me in the way he looks and behaves. For example, I don't like to be
with him in a company of friends because things he says or his jokes sound stupid to me, etc. When he comes to visit me, I feel that it's harder and harder for me to have sex with him because I don't find him attractive. In
the beginning of the relationship I managed to overcome this because I was attracted to his intellect and the fact that he can offer me excellent psychological support when I need it.

Recently I've met another guy who is amazingly beautiful and smart. I feel that I've started to fall in love with him and that I am happy just because I have
someone to dream about. I feel that I was lacking it all this time. But I'm not sure that there will be anyone who would love me as much as my current boyfriend and be willing to dedicate the whole life to me... On the other
hand, I don't know if it's a good idea to marry him if I don't feel attracted to him...

I would be grateful for any advice...


Answer

I understand your predicament. You're not attracted to your boyfriend the way you should be, yet he loves you and is willing to dedicate his entire life to you.

Sexual attraction is a major component in romantic relationships. It is literally the glue that binds a couple. It's hard enough to weather the tough times couples endure when there is passion. But enduring without passion? That's nearly impossible.

Your boyfriend is clearly bound to you, but you aren't bound to him in all the ways you need to be. From the beginning it seems that you found in him a supportive and devoted friend or parent figure. You aren't attracted to him as a lover and apparently you never were. Sooner or later, this lack on your part will rise up and bite you. It seems the nibbling has already occurred since you are falling for someone else.

Why don't you believe that you will find another person who will love you and be devoted to you? Do you feel that unworthy? If one person can love you, so will others.

In addition to being fair to yourself, you aren't being fair to your boyfriend. You cannot offer him what he's entitled to in a life partner.

I think you already know the answer to your question. Love isn't about settling. Love is about shooting the for the stars and carrying a peace of heaven back with us to earth.

- Doctor Love

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