Lost

Dear Dr. Love

I have a twisted and sad tale for you. I 'm a buyer, I buy computer parts from various vendors across the country. With time I got to know some of them fairly well. Well about 5 months ago I started talking to a new company and became fast friends with one of the girls there. We talked and laughed a lot, she called me when she had off sometimes and I called her when I had off. With time we started to begin to have feelings for each other.

Now she's 23 and married and I 'm 25 and have a fairly steady relationship with my girlfriend, she lives in California and I in Maryland. But me and this girl just grow stronger. We started to talking all the time on the phone and generally just chatting about anything under the sun. One weekend she was going on a vacation without her husband and she asked me to give her a call at the hotel she was staying at. So I did and we talked for hours that night, and we did other stuff as well that night. When it was time to go to sleep though I told her I loved her and she told me that she didnt really know what love was, I told her not tell me she loved me unless she meant it.

We swore to be honest to each other and never lie. Well we spent the next night talking again and the next weekend her husband went away so I called her again. When I told her again that I loved her, she said she loved me too, she loved me so much she didnt care who knew or what might happen. I was estatic. Its what i always wanted and I was happy.

Now you have to realize she was a very religious person and she always felt that what we did was wrong, no matter how wonderful it was. And it was wonderful, I was thoroughly in love with her and so happy. Well time passed the feelings only grew, we started talking about how we could meet up or get away or what we could do. We shared everything we could with each other. She told me that she never really loved her husband, she had just married the first person who had asked her. She sometimes wished he would divorce her, but she could never divorce him.

She was everything I could ever wish for in a woman, smart, pretty, intelligent, she liked most of the things I liked and we had the most fascinating conversations. I never met anyone like her. On Christmas Eve, I wrote her a letter telling her all the things I felt and how I think we were meant to be and how wonderful I felt just talking to her.

At the same time the guilt she felt finally caught up to her and she told her husband. The next working day I called her early at work and they told me she had quit. When I got in to work she had left me a voice mail saying goodbye, have a nice life, I 'm sorry. I called her once at home but she hung up on me, because her husband was around. Then they changed their number. And I wrote her another letter and sent it to her friend who in turn gave it to her. I tried to be nice and tell her about her strengths and everything but eventually I sort of broke down though.

Its been a month now. I haven't talked to her, I don't know how she is. I don't hate her, I just hate myself for not being able to find a way to make her want to stay. I hurt all the time and am dying to talk to her and just listen and share all the things we did again. I wonder if she feels the same and how she could just walk away. Mostly I just wonder if I can survive this. I want to try to find her but I don't know if I should. What do you suggest?

Lost