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Lost

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 01/21/2002 - 8:00pm
in
January 21, 2002

Question

My wife and I have not been getting along for a few months now. She says she hates me because I did not pay enough attention to her in the beginning of our marriage, three years ago. I found an e-mail from a guy that goes to her college. It wasn't sexual, but I asked her why she was hiding this from me and she said he wanted to have sex with her. After three tries of trying to get the truth out of her she states they talked on the phone and e-mailed each other a few times and that 's it. She says she felt guilty and put an end to it.

I asked her to show me proof it was nothing more and she got angry with me and erased the email. I asked her to print out the sent items, and she told me she erased those. This makes me think she slept with the guy. It seems like she's hiding somthing more from me. She would not let me e-mail this guy. Is she cheating on me? We are on the verge of divorce, and it's killing me. Please help me. Everyone of my friends I talk to don't know what to tell me. I want to know what she's telling is the truth, but when I talk to her about it she get 's angry with me and tells me it's my fault because I did not spend enough time with her.

She also says that my going to strip clubs once in a great while with friends is the same thing. please help. I am lost


Answer

Your marriage is on the cusp of collapse. I will tell you that the finger pointing path that you are both on is going to hasten the demise of your marriage. You both need to realize that when a marriage is rocked by an affair (or either partner comes close to an affair), it means that the marriage is ailing. The affair is merely a symptom of the sickness.

All the while you spend time trying to prove whether she cheated or not you are wasting precious time and energy that could be spent on healing what is ailing the marriage. Plus, the more you accuse and berate her, the more you are driving her away from you. In order to save this marriage, you both need to stop blaming the other and step back and ask yourselves two questions: what did I do to break this connection and what can I do to build it?

If your wife almost slipped or did slip with this school buddy, you need to put aside your bruised ego and ask her what you are doing to drive her away and what you need to do to make her feel happier with you. If saying adios to the strip clubs is one of her requests, then be responsive to her wish. She also needs to ask you the same questions. What is she doing that is driving you to spend time worshipping other women instead of her, and what can she do to build a better connection with you?

If I were you, I would also read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) right away. It will show you how to dig out of the pit that you find yourselves in. My book has helped so many couples with divorce pens in hand rekindle the love that they thought was long lost, so don't give up. Let me know how you make out.

- Doctor Love

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