In Love With a Navy Man

You sound like a dear, trusting soul who is at risk of being devastated in the near future.

What you don't seem to see is that this guy voluntarily chose to take a hike when things got serious between you two. He hasn't contacted you once in 17 1/2 months, which isn't very encouraging. He could have written or called when he was on leave, and yet you never heard a peep. This doesn't sound encouraging to me.

I think you need to ask yourself why you feel that this man is so right for you. He has given you ice in winter, or perhaps less, and yet you still hold on to the hope that he will be yours

As I read your letter, I had the image of a girl whose father took off, leaving the entire family behind. For a young child, it is too painful to accept that daddy is never coming back, so the child lives in a dream world--one day daddy will call, write or visit. Holding on to the dream is a way of avoiding a reality that is too painful to face. You sound like that girl that I described.

You need to figure out why you want a man who has treated you the way he has. Clearly this man is an intimacy phobic. He took off when the relationship heated up, and you haven't heard from him since.

When you understand how your attachment to him relates to your history, you will be in a better position to evaluate this relationship and why you want to keep it.

Keep in mind that even if he does come back to you, you are in for hell on earth. This guy isn't capable of closeness; he runs to the opposite end of the earth to avoid connection. He can't even stay in touch when he is physically apart, so brace yourself for a lot of pain if you allow yourself to start over with him.

Have the courage to look closely at yourself, your past and have the strength to understand why you are holding on to him.

Read my Advice Archives under Unfinished Business and Repetition Compulsion in order to gain more insight into your situation. Be brave and be willing to feel the pain that comes up when you are honest with yourself. That pain will be nothing compared to the pain that you will feel if you hook up with this man again.