Making it Work

I know that he said you love him more than he loves you. This is a ridiculous statement since there is no love meter that can measure the degree of love. I think the issue here has nothing to do with how much he loves you in comparison to how much you love him. Clearly he loves you a great deal and doesn't want to lose you.

The real problem here is that he isn't skilled at expressing his loving feelings. You said he can't show his feelings. To be clear, do you mean he can't show his love in actions or do you mean that he can't express his love in words.

We need to be clear on where the deficit lies. Many men are good at showing love in action; by being protective, by engaging in helpful acts that simplify your life, etc. But they are poor at expressing their love in words.

You need to be clear on what it is you want. Do you want him to show love in action? Or do you want him to express love in words.

I promise you that he's not clear on what you want because you haven't made it clear to him. Women often rag on their partners and tell them what they can't do. Notice you said, he's not good at showing love. The more you pressure him for failing you, the more inadequate he feels. Then he becomes angry and defensive and he defends himself by telling you that you love him more.

What you need to do is give him clear direction on what you are looking for, how you would like him to express his love to you.

If action is what you want, then first make it clear to yourself what actions convey love to you. Then tell him. For example, if filling your car with gas feels like a good way of showing his love for you, then you would say, "When you fill my car with gas, I feel loved and cared for by you." Then when he does what you like, praise him, which will encourage more of the same.

If words are what you want, then explain this to him. Tell him, "When you tell me what you love about me (my appearance, my laugh, my sweetness) I feel more connected and closer to you." Once again, reward him with words of praise when he hits the bulls eye.

There is no magic number in terms of how many times you fall into the same fight before it's time to give up. There is no time. Just work on yourself, on being clearer on what you want and stating it in a positive way, rather than criticizing him for his failure. My book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict (available as an e-book that you can download right from this site) will actually show you step-by-step how to talk to him so that he understands what you want and feels motivated to give it to you. My method has helped so many people solve their conflicts. It will help you too.

Let me know how you make out.