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Man in a Money War

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 09/26/1999 - 8:00pm
September 26, 1999

Question

I'm sure you get bombarded with e-mail, so I'll make this brief.

In my relationship with my girlfriend, a constant problem that keeps arising is money. We both work in the same industry earning roughly the same pay, but she has this romantic notion that the male should always pay the way for the female (dinner, movies, trips, etc. ).

When we first began dating, I did pay for everything, but after 2 years, I think some type of agreement should be reached, especially since we spend every day together.

Presently, we split expenses (such as food and entertainment), which she says she says she resents me for. I suggested that we alternate treating, or both pool money weekly into a 'fun fund' to spend on entertainment.

Needless to say, she rejected both of these ideas. She was raised in an environment where her Mom did not work, and her Dad took care of everything. Nearly every couple I know nowadays goes Dutch and, in some cases, it's the woman is always offering to pick up the bill.


Answer

You and your girl are locked in what's called a value conflict.

The value conflict, in this case, relates to your divergent views about how money should be handled. The problem with value conflicts is that neither person's values are wrong or right. They are what they are, and they can't be changed.

Values actually form the fabric of the personality. They are almost part of the DNA. The problem here is that your girlfriend's upbringing and the values that were transmitted to her in her first family are diametrically opposed to yours.

You believe in splitting expenses, she believes in being carried by the man in her life. So, what can be done?

Both of you must accept the fact that you don't share the same values. And you both must also accept that you can't even think about trying to cooerce the other into altering his or her values. You can't make a leopard change its spots any more than you can try to make each other alter your values.

What you can do is try to come up with an arrangement that respects both of your values. Neither of you should feel wiped out by the other. As it stands now, you are being wiped out, as she imposes her value system on you.

So, see if you can come up with a plan that respects your mutual values. If you can't, then it will be hard for this relationship to make old bones, not unless you both want to spend your lives arguing. Good luck.

- Doctor Love

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