Man Who is Repulsed by Female Genitals

You were very brave to ask this question.

This is a very hard question to answer without my knowing a lot more about you and your early history, because the attitudes that we form about sex always trace back to our early life. So, my answer to you must be general, and you can take what applies and overlook what does not seem to fit.

You have been together for three years without intercourse or genital contact, and you admit to feeling sick and repulsed at the thought of such contact.

I believe that your repulsion is actually a defense. Defenses are created by the unconscious in order to protect us from unacceptable feelings. Realize that we are never conscious of the defenses that we employ, that is prior to entering therapy. The problem with defenses is that they are usually more crippling than the actual feelings that they conceal. And, when a person becomes too crippled by the defense, he or she will seek help. This is where you find yourself now.

So, if we assume that your repulsion is actually a defense, our job is to figure out what feeling you are defending against. I will say that beneath your repulsion is a strong desire for the female genitals. You may ask, why would I need to defend against those feelings? It is normal to want a woman sexually, so why defend against it?
Yes, it is 'normal' to desire a girlfriend or wife, but you are not defending against your socially acceptable yearnings. You are defending against yearnings that are not acceptable to your psyche.

Now, what I am about to say make freak you out, and I want you to know before I say it that what I will speak about is a universal feeling. Every human being has this feeling and you are not alone.

I am talking about having sexual feelings for a parent. Now you may be saying, Dr. Love has really lost it now! But hang on a minute. Every child has sexual feelings for his/her parents. But, since children confuse feelings and actions, they are terrified to allow themselves these feelings. And, before long, the feelings are buried or defended against.
When you grow up and fall in love, it is very common for the old feelings of sexual desire for mother (or father) to reemerge. Why? Because adult love affairs rekindle the same feelings that we had for our first loves--mother and father. And, if we had a problem with the sexual urges that we felt for our parent(s) when we were young, that same issue will emerge in our adult love lives.

Notice when you speak about sex with your girl that you speak as though you were describing a shameful, sinful, illicit act--'I guess it would not be that bad to well, have intercourse\ \ or saying that you need to hide under the covers. These remarks tell me that your unconscious has made the link between girlfriend and mom. And, as a result, sex with your girlfriend has become dirty, sickening, illicit and forbidden.

To further complicate matters, you do have the feeling that your girlfriend is like a mother to you. Note how you cried yourself to sleep when she was away, which struck me as thought you were reliving an earlier abandonment pain when your mother left you and you were beyond consolation.

Again, don't freak. All partners have the full range of feelings for each other. In a healthy relationship, partners have various feelings such as mother/son, father/daughter, sister/brother. Again, this is normal, but, in your case, when the feelings of son to mother come up, so arises all your other feelings that you had for mom, including your sense of guilt of shame regarding your sexual urges for her.

So, where do we go from here? See if you can hear me talking to you and telling you that you were allowed to desire mom then. And, you are allowed to desire your girlfriend, even if and when she feels like mom to you.

If you can make peace with this side of yourself, you won't need to be repulsed. Your sexuality will be above board and above the sheets.
If you still feel stuck, don't hesitate to contact me again, in my private consulting section and we can talk more.