Man Who is Torn

Your kind words encourage me to continue writing this column.

It's not clear what type of 'help' you are seeking. You are clearly in a conflict, and it sounds like you are hoping that I can shed light on your predicament. You say that you love your current lover. You are compatible on many levels, including sexually.

However, you say that you recently met a new woman for whom you feel great attraction as well as the sense that you could be soul mates. The problem is that there are many people that you will meet in this lifetime who could be truly ideal mates. It is a fallacy to think that there is only one Mr. or Ms. Right out there. A recent study found that there are actually 10, 000 people who you will come across in a lifetime who would be excellent mates.

This means that people who are in a committed relationship will frequently meet people who are tempting. When a person wants to keep a committed relationship, he/she chooses to overlook the temptation.

Now, let's return to you. I have the impression that all the time that you are in a relationship you still keep your eyes out for someone better. I don't have enough information to know whether you are keeping your options open because you know deep down that the relationship you are in isn't ideal for you, or whether you keep yourself open to other relationships because you are suffering from what I call the Grass is Always Greener syndrome.

A person who has a pattern of feeling dissatisfied with his/her relationship may be trying to fill emotional voids that remain from childhood.

For example, let's say a woman never felt loved by her mother or father. As an adult, she will be unconsciously seeking a partner who can fill her emptiness. Since no adult relationship can fill the voids that remain from childhood, that woman will become frustrated and restless in each relationship. She will bounce from one partner to another, thinking that when she finds the 'perfect'partner her emptiness will be over.

This woman is externalizing (looking for an outside cure) to her inner problem, and this never works.

You need to examine whether you are doing the same. Study whether there is a pattern to your break-ups.

To figure this out, examine why your marriage ended. Did you have unfulfilled expectations that you believed another woman would be better able to satisfy? Are you are on the verge of breaking up for similar reasons?

If you can truly say that you are not a Grass is Greener type of man, then you may feel more confident in concluding that you have met a person who is more compatible with you. Keep in mind that even if you start up with this new woman, you will, one day, sooner or later, meet another tempting woman. Can you be sure that you won't find yourself in the same bind again?

When your relationship is no longer new and problems set-in, as they always do, can you be sure that you won't start looking again?

You also need to look at the sneaking that is going on. You aren't being truthful with either woman. The one you dated (in order to test the waters) doesn't know that you are living with someone. And, the woman that you are living with doesn't know that you are in the market for a better partner.

I know that you don't want to hurt your live-in girlfriend, but you are already betraying her by your actions. How long are you willing to live this double life?

Last but not least, you need to ask yourself why you continue to stay with your live-in girlfriend. Are you settling? Did you feel that you were settling before you met this new woman? Are you are staying out of guilt? Would you want to leave even if there weren't another woman in the wings? You need to ask yourself a lot of hard questions.

If you do decide that the relationship that you are in isn't right for you, then, I am sure that you will leave in a way that enables your live-in girlfriend's ego to remain intact. You can make the pill a bit less bitter by pointing the finger off of her and onto you by explaining that your needs have changed, or that you have discovered needs that you didn't know you had when you got together.

Let me know what your soul-searching yields and what you decide.