Married to a Closet Porn Addict

Your husband's addiction to porn strikes me as a symptom of a deeper emotional issue, which is an unconscious fear of intimacy. When a person is afraid of allowing another person to really get 'inside' himself, he can create emotional space in various ways. One obvious way to keep the other person at arms length is by creating physical distance.

Not achieving an erection and not being able to orgasm with you are both ways in which his unconscious mind arranges to keep you at a safe distance. This explains why he is able to achieve an orgasm when he is being stimulated by pornography. Pornography provides the emotional distance he needs, since he doesn't know these women and doesn't risk becoming intimate. Then and only then can he allow his body to let go.

To return to my original point, as upsetting as his porn addiction is to you, it is the symptom of a much deeper problem, which he doesn't seem to want to face. He may succeed in stopping the porn activity, but he still will be unable to have more frequent and more intimate sexual contact with you unless he gets help. Since he isn't willing to go into individual therapy, perhaps you could get him to go to couples therapy. Once you've got him in the office under the guise of working on the marriage, you might be able to get him to begin to look at his issue.

If he refuses to go with you, then you can get help yourself. You will want to study whether you, too, have a fear of intimacy. By remaining with a man who doesn't give you the kind of sex you want, your unconscious mind may be giving you the kind of distance that you need! If fear of intimacy isn't behind your choice of mate, then you will want to keep searching. Perhaps you are used to going without and feeling deprived. Maybe you never received the kind of emotional or physical contact you wanted as a child. If so, then you may be staying with the familiar because familiar pain is more comfortable than the unknown.

As you grow in your understanding of yourself and why you have tolerated the deprivation, you are going to surprised at what happens. You will likely outgrow the need to be deprived and when you do your husband will feel that you mean business. Then and only then will he have the impetus to step up to the plate and face his own issues and grow to meet you. Begin the journey for yourself and let me know where you end up.