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Married to his Mom

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 10/21/1996 - 7:00pm
in
October 21, 1996

Question

Dear Dr. Love:

I am married to a man whose mother has almost no life outside of him. She is totally devoted to him to the exclusion of just about everything -- work, hobbies, friends. Plus, she turns to him for advice on everything from programming the VCR to complex legal transactions. He is an only child whose father left before he was born.

I've known my husband for almost 10 years, became involved with him 7 years ago and got married 3 years ago.  In the early part of our relationship, his grandfather, who raised him for a good portion of his childhood, was very ill. Consequently, his mother called quite frequently and I didn't think too much of it considering the circumstances.

In early '91, my husband 's grandfather passed away and his mother inherited quite a bit of money. Free of financial pressures, she had (and still has) the opportunity to do just about anything she wants. Instead, she has become increasingly involved in my husband 's life and mine, too, by association.

Meanwhile, I have felt more and more encroached upon. I, obviously, have handled the situation badly because our disagreements over her role in his life have deepened. He has always defended her actions and now I 'm told that things which transpire between the two of them are none of my business. I have often wished she would go get a life and have made several suggestions. But she has told me that school is boring, work is boring, traveling used to be okay but is now boring, even people her own age (late 50s) are boring. And this woman is highly educated! ( She has a master's degree. )

My husband and I planned on having children but I refuse to start a family with so many intrusions from his mother. This year, I turned 40 and, lately, have been considering leaving my husband. Where can I find information or help so I make the appropriate decision?


Answer

You are in a tough situation. It actually feels like your husband is married to his mother and you are the other woman! You beg for his time and attention, but the mistress never has the bargaining power of a wife. It sounds like you believe mom's the problem and if you could simply get her busy, everything would be fine with you and your husband. You say she is totally devoted to him. But mom's not the real problem.

Many mothers demand too much of their son's time and attention, but not every husband takes the bait. It is your husband who has the problem. Her plays for his time and attention wouldn't work if he didn't suffer such excessive dependency on her. Based upon the information you gave me, he has acted as her husband since childhood (since his father abandoned them). It is not clear that he will ever be able to make a healthy separation from her. I would have suggested you both seek marriage counseling, but from what I can see, he would never go. I

n the meanwhile, you have to take matters in your own hands. First thing, stop nagging him. The more you try to pull him away from her, the angrier he becomes and the more you solidify the bond between them. You have only one solution at this point: Reverse psychology (you know if you can't beat 'em join 'em). Encourage him to spend even more time with his mother and whenever he wants to be with you, you are too busy, have other plans. Let him miss you instead and chase you instead of the other way around. Let him realize what he's missing. Often this type of approach will break the power struggle you are in.

Also, you need to do some honest self-examination. It feels like you are playing out, with your husband, some unfinished business from your childhood. I suspect that you felt ignored or brushed aside by one of your parents, who was always too busy with someone or something else. If I am correct, your husband 's behavior replays your earlier loss. In replaying past hurts, the mind hopes to rewrite history and obtain a better outcome. The dream is: maybe this time I will come first. Only that 's not what's happening. What you need is a husband that puts you first rather than replays the losses of your childhood.

If our reverse psychology doesn't get the problem under control, you need to seriously consider if this man can ever give you what you need. You asked me where you could go for more information on this problem. Talking to a good modern psychoanalyst would provide you with the insight and answers you are seeking. You could talk further with me. Or if you like, I could try to help you find someone in your area. Good luck. You deserve more.

- Doctor Love

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