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Meant to Be

Submitted by jamie on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 2:44pm
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December 24, 2009

Question

I met him at work, the moment we looked at each other something happened. He completely changed how things were in my life. He gave me his number and we quickly started seeing each other. Everything was perfect. You know that feeling when you finally know that you met the one? That's how I felt and he even told me I was perfect for him. We were compatible in every possible way...

I could feel it within my heart and soul. Now, as young as I am, I've been through so much in my life that I am not your average 20-year old girl. I always knew what I wanted out of life, love and I found it in him...The only problem that came up was our age difference.  We knew how old each other was but when I invited him for dinner at my place to meet one close friend of mine, she asked him how old he was.. It all went downhill that night. It triggered some hidden fears. He is 27 years old. Now, we've had long, long conversations about how people are going to judge  us...especially him. He is so big on morals. He told me our age difference will always bother him. I don't know what to do because age is something I can't change and to see the "one" walk out of my life because of this is  unbearable.  I need help. I don't know what kind of help...We sat down, talked and cried in each others arms as we said goodbye, I could  feel his pain but his fear of judgment took over. I understand his point of view but I don't want to let go. If it was someone else, some other fling I  would just move on but what we had was a once in a life time thing. He said  he wanted to let me go for my sake because if we stayed together he would eventually break it off because the age difference.

About his feelings, he tried to hide it but he couldn't, he had plans to move out of the country before he met me and only a week of knowing me he actually was considering giving away the opportunity of a lifetime. He would say,  everything is perfect..Just that one thing (age), just that one thing....and at times he wasn't even sure if he was right to let me go because of this  and now he's running away, talking the easy way... He told me I'm the "one"  he'll never have. I'm lost and in pain. How can I show him? I told him all I possibly can. If only his friends would talk to him. If someone could  show him that our love is worth more than society's expectations. If only he  was willing to fight his fears for me...Sometimes I feel like I wasn't worth the fight.. But I know we were meant to be.


Answer

Oh my goodness. Your story makes me want to weep. I am so sorry to hear what's happening to you. As I read your story I had the feeling that there is something blocking your beloved and it isn't the age difference. There is just something about his objection that doesn't ring true to me.

He can't be having a problem with the fact that you are under age. In a few short months you will be 21, so that can't be it.

He talks about morality and seems to think that being with a woman seven years younger is practically a mortal sin. Who are we kidding? Many couples have this kind of age difference and more. It so happens that a seven year age gap is very common. In fact, throughout the ages men have typically been older than their female partners. Moreover, there is actually a biological imperative that drives men to be with younger women. As men age, they still are drawn to younger women. It's the biological urge to reproduce and continue the species. This explains why men from all cultures are drawn to women who are young and fertile. 

All this to say that I don't believe age is the real issue. I can't help recalling his statement "you're the one he'll never have." I have the sense that he is "married" to being disappointed in love. Believe it or not if a person experienced the feeling that it was impossible to receive love from the parent for whom he/she yearned, this will set up a belief in that person that says I can never have the one I want. The person will then make this belief come true in adulthood by falling for someone that he cannot have. This sounds like his story. The reason he gives for not being able to have you is very feeble, which makes me think that he's playing out quite another theme.

The only thing you can do at this point is talk to him. Tell him what I said. Ask him to think about it. Keep in mind that the source of his block isn't in his conscious awareness. So he needs to make the problem conscious and own it. Then and only then can he work it through.

Please let me know what happens. I'm praying that he sees the light.

- Doctor Love

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