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Remorseful

Submitted by jamie on Tue, 04/13/2010 - 3:53pm
April 13, 2010

Question
Dear Dr. Love,   My boyfriend and I recently broke up. I realized it's because I fought him constantly for petty things because of issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. that I've realized from my past. And every time I fought him I've noticed he pulls back and gets confused over his feelings for me, even if he compartmentalized the situation and forgets the fight, however the subconscious parts remember.   When we first started off as friends I kept pushing him to other girls until he thought he had no chance with me whatsoever and pushed down his feelings for me, and really thought of me as just a friend. And he was resolved that we would just be friends. Until I told him how I felt about him. At first he fought me and said that all he could see of me was friendship, but as time went on, the feelings he hid came out and he gave me his heart.   Well idiot that I was I kept fighting him again, mostly this time of jealousyTo resolve jealousy, one must identify the emotional issues that trigger it. Jealousy can be defined as the fear of being replaced by another. In other words, jealousy is really the fear of...(Click for full definition.). He kept taking it until he couldn't take it anymore and ended it with me. Days later I wrote him a letter trying to get him back and start again. He hesitated because he said he already is convinced that all he thought of me was friendship and he's made up his mind. He felt nothing for me but friendship and didn't want to lose me as his friend. I convinced him somehow and he agreed so we started out slow and days later we were back to what we were again.   This time when we broke up I took longer to contact him. I egged him on to end things because he was confused on his feeling for me and it just made me resent him. Even though we fight, we've never insulted each other, nor yelled at each other. He was devastated thinking he was the one who ended things, when in reality I manipulated it to make it look like it was all his idea so I didn't have to feel guilty for what I did.   I finally got a chance to talk to him today and he said all he felt now was friendship. I was like just last week you cried because you liked me so much. And I realized he did it again, his mind compartmentalized and placed me in the friendship file. His mind is so quick to go into a survival mode. I asked him if we could start off as friends, and dating no one for 2 months. He agreed but he told me not to expect anything nor to pressure him. I agreed  since I did the damage and I want to make things up to him.   Even though from my experience it took about less than a week for his subconscious to remember his feelings for me, what can I do to help him remember and get back his feelings for me. I'm scared that I have done so much damage that his feelings are so hidden way down deep. I have only two months. I feel like I'm working with someone with amnesia or something. And why do guys do this? How can they compartmentalize that easily?   Right now we're starting off as friends, chatting really well as if nothing happened at all. We're making things comfortable and he is sending me winking emoticons a lot. I won't read too much into it, but that is what he did with me when he flirted.   Please help me Dr. Love, what can I do to help him remember and get back his feelings for me?    

 


Answer
You have asked me to tell you what you can do to help him remember his old feelings for you. Before we talk about him, we need to focus on YOU. He is guarded and closed off emotionally for good reason. You've broken up with him (or, as you said, engineered the situation so that he would break up with you). This guy is terrified of opening up again and watching his head roll.
In order for him to reconnect to you with his entire heart he needs to feel safe with you; safe knowing that he's not going to get dumped again. In order to give him the assurances that he needs you are going to need to do some serious healing of yourself.   If you notice from the beginning, you said you fought with him over petting things. In other words, you used anger and fighting to push him away. When that didn't succeed in giving you the safe distance that you want, you broke up or got him to do the deed.   You need to understand why you are so afraid of sustaining a relationship. I have the sense that you are actually afraid of being rejected or abandoned. You spoke of being jealous of him, and this indicates that you were/are afraid that he would find someone else and drop you. When the fear of being rejected grows too strong, then you break up or get him to break up with you as a way of escaping the anxiety.   We need to understand and resolve your own fear. You seem to think that he'll choose someone else over you. I have to wonder if you experienced this as a child. Did your mother favor one of your siblings over you? Did your mother have another baby when you were very young (younger than 24 months old) and before you had enough alone time with her? Did either of your parents cheat on or leave each other or you?
When you figure out where your own fear is coming from, then try to work through the pain by talking about it.   Next, take a look at how your boyfriend is different from your mom or dad. Is he reliable? Is he the type to stick around? Is he faithful? If you can confirm to yourself that he is bonder, then remind yourself often that he isn't like the parent or parents that let you down or let each other down. This should help you feel safer to connect to him.
Still you should expect to feel frightened that your boyfriend will reject you. From now on, instead of acting on your fear by picking a fight or breaking upBreaking up refers to the dissolution of a romantic love relationship. Many people have a tendency to break up in order to preempt or discharge unwanted or painful feelings. For example, if you are...(Click for full definition.), just talk to him about the feelings you're having. Let him reassure you that he has no intention of leaving you. The mantra for  you to follow is NO ACTION; meaning no picking fights, no breaks ups no manipulations to get him to break up, just sit with your fear and talk about it.  
If your boyfriend knows that you have understood your own issuesIssues, in the words of the Serenity Prayer, are things you can change, either by making different personal choices and/or by finding ways to work with your partner more effectively. and are working on them, and if he knows that you will speak about your fear of rejectionWe all have the fear of being rejected by others to some degree: this is a normal and healthy human concern as we are highly social animals that need others of our kind to survive. However, this fear...(Click for full definition.)/abandonmentAbandonment is a legal term describing the failure of a non-custodial parent to provide support to his or her children according to the terms approved by a court of law. In common use, abandonment...(Click for full definition.) by talking to him each time it bubbles up rather than engineer another break up, he will feel safer to open his heart ad connect to you. This is the only way to rekindle his warmth for you. In other words, he needs to be sure that you won't reject him in order for him to feel safe to reconnect to you.    

- Doctor Love

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