Home › Miscarriage Melancholy

Miscarriage Melancholy

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 01/01/2001 - 8:00pm
in
January 1, 2001

Question

My boyfriend (of a year and a half) and I have just gone through losing a baby in the 15th week of pregnancy.  Things have been downhill ever since. 

He was very supportive for the first few days after the miscarriage - once I began physically feeling better he couldn't seem to be there to support me mentally.  He won't talk about what happened or how he feels and avoids any kind of discussion on the subject- to the extent that he has avoided me completely for the past four days. 

I love him but feel hurt by his behavior.  I realize he may be fighting his own mental battle and maybe this is the way he handles grief.  I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

Any suggestions?


Answer

I am sorry that you lost your baby.

Your boyfriend is in the grips of a common defense mechanism called avoidance. Defense mechanisms arise when a person is unable to cope emotionally. Your guy's unconscious mind has chosen avoidance, in which he physically distances from the source of pain.

By removing himself from you, a potent reminder of the baby he just lost, he temporarily escapes the unbearable pain. The problem is that his coping mechanism is breaking your heart as well as your relationship.

When he finally resurfaces, you need to gently ask him if he understands why he physically leaves when something tragic occurs. Ask him if he knows how he was feeling before he took off. Ask him what feeling he had to escape (pain, sadness, anger). Ask him why he feels that he needs to suffer alone rather than sharing his pain with you?

Then, when he seems open and ready, explain to him the effect that his behavior has on you (that you feel shut-out, dropped, abandoned, whatever words feel right).

Explain to him what I told you about the avoidance defense mechanism, and then tell him that he needs to find another way of coping so that he can remain in connection with you even when he is having a hard time.

My heart goes out to you in your loss. Now is the time to surround yourself with people who love you, and most especially your boyfriend.

- Doctor Love

Did you find this article helpful, informative, inspiring?

If so, please help me keep this site alive and growing by spreading the word to others or checking out my books and programs. You can:

  • Share this

Get Your Ex Back With Dr. Love's Relationship Rescue Kit Syncrohearts Board Game