Missing that Spark

It's impossible to feel the spark of romance when you're having heated arguments!

As I say in my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), unresolved conflict is the number one killer of love.

First we need to resolve your conflicts. When you're not so angry with him, I promise that you will feel the spark again. I wish I could give you a crash course on how to resolve your conflict, but I'm afraid you need to read my book and put my conflict resolution program into practice.

You both need to learn how to properly communicate what's bothering you using my X, Y Formula and you need to take turns listening to each other. You also will want to pay close attention to the chapter on Old Scars because childhood wounds cause us to misinterpret and overreact to our partners, which fuels more and more heated fights.

Here's a good example of how childhood wounds create heated fighting. One of my patients got furious at her husband when they were dining out one night. He glanced at his watch and her unconscious mind suddenly associated her husband with her father, who never had any time for her. In no time she wasballistic and accused her husband of not wanting to be with her.

Without knowing it, her unconscious mind was actually pouring all the anger that she harbors for her father onto her husband. Since her husband was just checking to make sure that the meter hadn't run out, he was furious to be wrongly accused. His fury was all the greater because he was always falsely accused when he was a child. Suddenly all his pent up childhood fury surfaced and he attacked his wife back.

You can see why fighting is intensified when the childhood wounds of both partners are activated. You both need to identify and heal these wounds. This will cool down the climate and when your heads are clearer it will be easier for you both to take turns listening and understanding each other.

I think it would help you both to do a little role-playing in which you act out the other 's part. When you play him, say exactly how you think he feels. Have him pretend to be you, listen to what you've said and repeat it out loud to show that he understand and vice versa. This exercise will help you both to put yourself in the other 's shoes, and truly hear and understand each other.

In most cases feeling heard and understood is all that is needed to resolve a conflict. Remember that the greatest spiritual challenge is to love your enemy, meaning to love someone with whom you are angry.

If you both can find it in your hearts, to drop the swords and really listen and understand the other 's point of view, you will be able to resolve your conflicts. Then and only then will you feel connected again.