Money or Love?

 Dear 'Money or Love?' I am glad that you asked this question. First of all, you need to know that whenever a couple is fighting about money, the fight isn't actually about money.

What I mean by this is that money has a symbolic meaning to the unconscious mind, and in order to resolve a money conflict, you both need to find out what money means to both of you. When you understand what you are really fighting about then you can work to resolve that issue.

For your boyfriend, it sounds like money is synonymous with manhood. And, the idea of your earning more seems to bruise his sense of self. So, he puts you down to build himself up.

To verify that I am correct, ask him to talk honestly about how he feels about your earning more money than he does. Meanwhile, all this muscle flexing has to stop, or else you will both will lose this relationship.

When I say muscle flexing, I am referring to this nasty game that you are playing with each other. Your game consists of the following: He feels inferior or inadequate for earning less than you, and so he puts you down in order to bolster his ego. Then, when you feel put down, you counter attack by putting him down even more.

It sounds like two kids in a pissing contest. 'My Twinkie is bigger than your Ring Ding.' You both need to find out why you feel impelled to compete with each other and leave each other feeling diminished and demeaned. There are many possibilities here...

Your parents behaved this way with each other, or perhaps you are building up weak self-esteems by putting the other down. Until you understand what purpose this mutual put-down scene is serving, you will never resolve the money fight.

Once you find out your true feelings and motives, you both must make a conscious effort to talk and not act and react, which leads to a climate of mutual retaliation that will end this relationship fast. I hope that I have clarified how you must go about addressing this problem.