Ms. Hesitant

You are falling into a dangerous trap that consists of trying to mind 'f***' yourself out of your feelings. You don't like his being so often alone with a woman who is seductive with him. You feel threatened by his behavior and worried that you may be cheated on. Trying to talk yourself out of your feelings is a self-violation. Not listening to yourself gives your boyfriend the green light to blow you off. After all, why would he take you seriously when you don't take yourself seriously.

This self-violation exposes you to great emotional risk. Your boyfriend's lack of responsiveness to your feelings, seems to be leading you to take this unhealthy, self-violating route. In other words, if he isn't going to respond to you, you seem to think that you are stuck with only one choice: twist your psyche into a pretzel and try to convince yourself that 'it' really isn't that bad.

There are other choices available to you: Confront him on his lack of responsiveness. If he wants to have a relationship with you, he needs to be considerate of how his actions make you feel. If he isn't willing to consider your feelings, then he is violating you. It sounds like you think that it's normal for you to be violated. He violates you by ignoring your feelings; and you violate yourself by tolerating what he's doing and trying to talk yourself out of how you feel. The fact is nobody should be violating you, not you, not him.

Your first step is to understand why you are so willing to let him (as well as allow you, yourself) to sweep your feelings under the rug. Trace the pattern all the way back to childhood. Was your mom a doormat? Did your parents crush your feelings? When you figure out where your pattern of negating your self stems from, take the next step. Tell yourself that you aren't supposed to ignore or wipe out what you feel. If you need help getting to this self-entitled place, join a therapy group in your area. When you feel entitled to have your feelings heard, your boyfriend will stop ignoring you. The change has to come from within yourself first.

When you change, and he gets the message that you deserve being heard, not blown off, he will pay attention. Then and only then will you have the leverage to have a serious conversation. Then when you talk to him you will have the courage to say, and mean, that if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to consider your feelings and respond to your concerns. If he refuses, you will need to have the courage to admit that you aren't being treated properly. Listen to your feelings, even if he doesn't and do what you need to do to feel safe. The ball is in your court.