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Needing a Way to Feel Better

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 06/10/2002 - 8:00pm
in
June 10, 2002

Question

Well. . . I don't know if you'll ever write back to me. . . but Im truly sad. . . well. .

Im 22, my boy friend's 22 also. . we've been together for 9 months now, and recently we had lots of problems. . . I live in Spain now so Im truly stressed, my dad got sick(more stressed)and well him (my boyfriend) had stress himself at his job, (he's a military cop)he lives kinda far from me so we see each other like 4 times a week, and sometimes he doesnt sleep much, just to see me. . . back to my stress well. . .

the problem is that since I had or (have) so many problems I kinda let it all out on him. . . by being jealous at EVERYTHING!even little stupid things, I would get mad also at every little thing. . . so much that everytime he would come stressed out from work I would fight with him for nothing. . . I mean he did his part too. . . but from my part was worst. . . so I guess he went nuts and he says he couldnt be himself with me cause he was scared I would get mad at anything he would wanna do or say. . . and also that being afraid of losing me he hold back lots of things so I woulndt get mad.

Now, he asked me for time. . . he doesnt know how long, he says he loves me like always but that he feels sick and broken and he needs to get up himself, and he wants us to 'for now' talk like friends (not see each other) and little by little while we get better, to start all over again. . . well. . . I feel broken and hurt. . . and I feel he doesnt understand how hurt I am, I believe he loves me but Im scared he'll stop one of this days and forgets all about me. . . or starts seeing me as a friend. .

I love him, and I don't know how to get out of this feeling and I know I should start doing things here in Spain, but Im so sad that I don't feel like doing anything. . . and I truly don't wanna lose him. . . . . Im sorry this is so long but do you think you can give me some advice, or at least a way I can feel better??

thank you SO much


Answer

Your situation is not at all hopeless. Your boyfriend hasn't said that he wants to end the relationship with you. He just said that he wants some time apart before you start all over again. He has given you excellent feedback as to why he needed some space and it is up to you to take the comments to heart and grow from them.

The key for you is to make the commitment to yourself that you will behave appropriately when you are stressed and angry and that you won't give yourself permission to say or do damaging things when you are upset. To achieve this goal you are going to need to acquire better impulse control skills. Here's how.

The next time you are about to blow, call upon the part of the psyche called the observing ego. This is the part of the mind that is capable of watching over you and guiding your actions. Have your observing ego tell yourself, 'You are not to behave badly. Walk away, splash water on your face, and only come back when you are ready to speak constructively.'

Read my book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First), which will show you, step-by-step exactly how to harnass your raw anger and how to turn it into communications that are constructive for you and the relationship. This is a skill that takes discipline and practice. If you want to keep your beloved boyfriend, you will learn this skill right away.

Meanwhile, I would tell him that time apart isn't the answer. Time and space won't solve your problem. He can wait six months or a year, and if you haven't taken care of business, you will be back to square one again with him packing his bags and you grieving his loss. He needs to know that you mean business in order to come back to you. My book will show you had to change this pattern for good so that you can bring your love back to you and keep him.

- Doctor Love

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