Needing Wisdom in the Last Hours Before the Wedding

Thanks for the detailed question. I do have a very good understanding of your fiance's emotional issues and baggage. I am, however, in the dark regarding yours, which puts us at a disadvantage in terms of helping you to solve your conflict. You need to understand that whenever a person feels stuck, unable to make a decision and move forward, the cause of the impasse is due to unconscious emotional issues that are buried from awareness.

So, let's see how far we can go in terms of unleashing the issues that may be blocking you. Let's start with what I know: You have been with this woman for twelve years and because of her problems, baggage, and personal traits you aren't 100% sure that you want to be with her. You called the wedding off one time before and you are in danger of backing out again. Meanwhile, you are physically involved with other women.

I know you say that you are with these other women because you love women and they are attracted to you. This is your conscious rationalization for your behavior, but the fact is that there are unconscious reasons why you are having physical encounters with other women. You need to understand what function these other women serve for you. Do they protect you from becoming too close to your fiance? From where I sit, these other women keep you literally one foot out the door at all times.

You also need to ask yourself why you stay with someone who you are so ambivalent about. Staying engaged to a woman for whom you have such doubts keeps you safe from attachment to other women (you are still engaged) meanwhile, your doubts about your fiance keep you safe from becoming too close to her. You say you want marriage and kids. I'm not so sure about that. If you were 100% unconflicted and truly wanted this level of attachment, then I think you would have ended the relationship with your fiance long ago and found another, more suitable partner.

Clearly no partner is going to have it all. Other women may have some of the qualities that your fiance lacks, while lacking qualities that your fiance has. The fact that you keep looking for more and better rather than choosing someone, flaws and all, may conceal to a fear of intimacy. This kind of fear often results from being raised by a mother who was controlling or invasive, which leads to a fear of getting too close to any women.

Your doubts may also indicate a fear of growing up and settling down. Such fears are often caused by a reluctance to separate, which is often the result of having been neglected as a child (hence the person wants to return to childhood to heal his/her wounds instead of grow up). I also want to point out that you have had counseling and are now able to understand why your relationship had been rocky in the past (she saw you as her abusive mother). I have to wonder why you want to find a new partner, with whom you don't have such a rocky past, now that your rocky days seems to be over with your fiance? In other words, are you scared to commit to a relationship that is going better? Again, are you scared of getting closer to your fiance?

You need to explore these questions and see what answers come up. I think that you will see that there is far more to your conflict than meets the eye and that your fear of marrying her has many layers, most of which you aren't yet aware. The more you understand yourself on these deepest levels, the easier it will be for you to make a decision about whether you are going to stay or move on.