Newlywed Who is Falling for Her Roommate

You are in a difficult spot. You say you married for the wrong reason, namely to rebel against authority figures who told you not to marry him. Can you say for sure that you never cared for your husband? Is there nothing about him that makes you want to stay with him? If your answer is no, then you have your answer. The marriage was over before it started.

If you feel that there is even a small part of you that once loved this man or still loves him on some level, then you may want to consider marriage counseling. Before you give up on him, let your husband know that he must change his behavior in order to keep you and the marriage. If his behavior toward you doesn't improve, then you can end the relationship knowing that you gave it your best shot.

Your feelings for your roommate muddy the waters and are really unrelated to your predicament with your husband. If your husband isn't right for you, you need to have the courage to end the marriage without falling into the safety net of another relationship. The neat and clean way of handling your situation would be to end the marriage first, and then when you are single you can see what, if anything, develops with the roommate. Taking this route is risky because you may end up alone.

If you have decided that you deserve better treatment than you are receiving from your husband, then the healthy thing for you would be to get out (if he doesn't change) and stay alone until the right partner comes along. Are you willing to take this risk? Are you willing to end a relationship that is not good and wait until you find a better connection with the roommate or with someone else?

The best way to convey to your roommate that it wasn't he who ruined the marriage is for you to do what you need to do for yourself. Then when you are free and clear you can tell the roommate that who he is and how he acts made you realize what you are looking for in a partner. The roommate was a catalyst for your own growth, which may include divorce. The roommate didn't break up your marriage, he just opened your eyes.

You also need to examine the rebellious part of your personality, which has gotten you into quite a bind. In the future, when faced with people who try to tell you what to do or not to do, you are going to need to find a healthier and less self-destructive way of dealing with your feelings of anger toward those who try to control you. Getting married to the wrong man is the ultimate example of how you 'cut your nose to spite your face' when faced with people who tell you what to do.

If it turns out that you can't save the marriage, then at least you can say that you have learned something very important about how you respond to people who try to control you. This knowledge can set you free so that you don't make any further bad choices for yourself.