Not Feeling Head Over Heels

Let's start with the fact that you have previously experienced a dizzying rush of endorphins in past relationships, relationships that didn't last, I might add. As you can see, passionate feelings aren't enough to cement a relationship.

It sounds like you may have been 'in lust' rather than in love in your former relationships; and when the passionate feelings faded there was nothing left to hold you together. True romantic love, unlike lust, includes many features (a feeling of respect, enjoyment of each other 's company, caring for the other 's well being, and so on).

Romantic love generally also includes some degree of sexual attraction. As you describe your attachment to this woman, it almost sounds like you are describing a loving, selfless mother. It is said that most of us are drawn to lovers and mates who remind us of our first love--mom. This is completely normal.

However, some people have a hard time allowing themselves to feel sexually attracted to someone who represents mom. I remember a man that I treated some years ago who lost all desire for his wife when she became pregnant with their child. He then began sleeping around with other women and avoided his wife. One day he recalled a boyhood memory in which his mother was wearing a beautiful, yellow dress; he felt sexual attraction for her, was terrified, and instantly repressed the feeling of attraction. As you can see, his inhibition (not feeling comfortable with his sexual feelings toward his mother) resurfaced when his own wife became pregnant; and he turned off to her sexually just the way he had done with his mother.

I don't know if your lack of passion for this woman is due to the fact that your unconscious mind views her as mother, or if you simply aren't attracted to her. If the previous case fits, you can resolve the inhibition in therapy. If, however, you aren't very attracted to your girlfriend, then you need to study whether you are attracted enough. Do you become sufficiently aroused to have sex with her? Is this level of arousal enough for you? Are you tempted to want to search for a woman who has your girlfriend's fine qualities along with greater sex appeal?

Now, let's take another persepctive. Perhaps your lack of intense 'head over heels' passion isn't the result of a mother transference, or even a sign that you aren't sufficiently attracted, but actually a sign that this woman is right for you! To understand what I mean you have to contrast the way you feel about her and the way you have felt about previous girlfriends for whom you felt intense, dizzying passion.

It is said that a person will feel a rush of intense excitement when he/she meets someone who is similar to one or both parents. Let me explain. When you meet someone who your unconscious mind sees as resembling one or both of your parents, it is common to experience an incredible rush of excitement. Some people call it'love at first sight' or 'head over heels in love.' Other people describe the rush as feeling like they have known someone for their entire life. These immediate, passionate reactions occur because the unconscious mind is thrilled at the hope of healing childhood wounds with a lover who represents the parent. Since most of us have had less than perfect childhoods, we come to adulthood with all sorts of unrealized wishes and dreams. For many people, an adult love affair is seen as a chance to make up for what went wrong in childhood.

Mind you, what I am talking about occurs on an unconscious level. Consciously, we just think we are in love and we are drunk with a sense of hope. Unfortunately, when we choose lovers or mates who are similar to the parents who let us down, they can't give us any more or any better than our parents did. We are soon disappointed, hurt, and angry. If we stay in the relationship, arguments abound. If we break up, we will repeat the cycle all over again, feeling intense passion and excitement whenever we meet a parental substitute who we hope will bring us the healing of our unmended chilhdood wounds.

With this perspective in mind, it is possible that you have freed yourself of this impossible quest. Perhaps your unconscious finally got wise to the fact that you needed to choose a different kind of partner, one who may not resemble your parents (and set off bells and whistles), but one who can simply meet your deepest needs. This type of relationship is filled with peace and contentment, rather than intense head over heels highs and lows.

I have given you a lot to consider. You should be able to find an answer to your question with this information in hand.