Not Yet Ready to Let Go of Your Married Lover

I have never published a letter like yours and I decided to do so because it is such a poignant description of the magnitude of the struggle that we all experience when we try to break free of a damaging relationship. You have stayed with this man, because I think you are perched on a precipice of hope that one day he will bestow on you all the love that you lacked as a kid.

Many people wait their lives away. You are not going to do that. You are simply taking time to pause and reflect before you make your next move. Exiting a damaging relationship can be the hardest thing in the world to pull-off because leaving feels like giving up the dream of ever healing your childhood wounds. You see, you have hooked up with a partner who resembles the parent who let you down. He has become your 'transference object. ' A transference object is someone who represents your parent or parents; and the word transference is very apt because it is normal to transfer all the powerful feelings that you felt for your parents onto your partner. This explains your intense attachment to him.

The intensity of your feeling for him matches the level of feeling that all children have for their parents. Once a lover becomes a transference object, hope kicks into high gear. Since the partner resembles your parent, you are soon reliving the central trauma of your childhood, all the while hoping to get it right. It is the hope that keeps you hanging in. The letting go of such a partner feels like letting go of all hope to ever heal the hole inside you.

The only way to break free is to form an intense attachment with a therapist for whom you can develop the same feelings of love and hate that you felt for your parents. In the safety of that relationship, you can recreate the wounds of your past, and relive them with a happy ending. With that success under your belt, you will know in your heart that you can find a better relationship than the one you're in. The only place to safely engage in such a process is in therapy.

It's unlikely that you are ever going to be able to get that kind of healing with this man. He isn't committed to helping you heal. He isn't committed to you, period. I actually explain in my book how couples who are committed to each other can use the marital relationship to consciously heal their childhood wounds. It can be done, but both partners have to be willing to do so. I think the thing you need to ask yourself at this point is, 'Why am I willing to remain in limbo with this man?' Am I afraid to give up the hope that he will give me the healing that I yearn for? Am I afraid to find a relationship in which I will be close to someone (fear of being injured by someone, fear of abandonment)?

In other words, does this frustrating relationship serve you by keeping you at a distance? Am I staying with him because it's familiar to be trashed and emotionally deprived? We all gravitate to the familiar. Is this your pull to him? Asking these questions, should help you move forward on your healing journey. You boyfriend is frozen in place. You are merely resting up before you take your next big leap. Thanks for giving us all an honest look at the struggle required to break free of the repetition compulsion that I speak of so often. Keep me posted on your progress.