Numb from the Waist Down

When you say that you crave sex, I think you mean that you feel sexual desire or sexual arousal, but that when you actually have sex with your boyfriend, you feel numb.

The first thing I'd want to make sure of is that you can feel when you masturbate alone. If you are able to respond when you are alone, then we know that the problem with your boyfriend is situational.

Next, I would want to know if you aren't feeling with your boyfriend because he isn't stimulating you properly. If you show him what feels good when you masturbate yourself, and he still can't make you feel, then we can be fairly sure that you are unconsciously inhibiting your sexual response with him.

If you've been reading my columns for a while, then you know that inhibition is an unconscious defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are created by the unconscious part of the psyche in order to protect the self from danger.

To figure out what is dangerous about allowing yourself to feel sexually with him, ask yourself,'What am I afraid would happen if I let go with him?'

Your question may yield any number of the following possibilities: You may be afraid to let go with him for fear that you will be hurt if and when the relationship ends through his death or if he leaves you; or you may be afraid to allow your weak, vulnerable side to show.

There is also the possibility that you were sexually molested as a child. Numbing out is a common way of protecting the self from the thoughts and feelings attached to the abuse.

If you are asleep, then you don't have to feel all the fear, hurt, and anger that might come up if you allowed your entire self to wake up and feel on all levels. In other words, your mind may be administering a type of psychological anesthesia, which numbs your mind and your body all at once.

I have given you lots to explore. You will find the cause of your problem, which is the first step toward coming to life again.