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Out of Control

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 12/08/2003 - 8:00pm
in
December 8, 2003

Question

Dear Dr. Love.

I really hope you answer my question because it has been an ongoing issue in my relationships & I hope that you can teach me how to change my ways so I can finally find happiness in my love life.

I have a tendency to at some point (usually after we've been together for a while & I am having doubts/thoughts about long-term compatibility) get really drunk and do something awful that usually makes my boyfriend at the time see me as not a 'classy' or good as before (I usually don't remember these events the next day until my boyfriend tells me what I did & I feel sick to my stomach at my behavior).

I had thought I had faced my anger issues, but this past weekend the same thing occurred with my current boyfriend of 4. 5 mnths. We were at a club with our friends. I had not drunk that much (3 drinks) but they were strong drinks & I guess I hadn't eaten that much so I became pretty drunk & I told him I was.

The next morning my boyfriend was upset at me so I asked him why & what I did. He said that during the night I slapped him out of the blue in front of one of my friends. He said we were discussing something & then suddenly I slapped him. He promptly took me home afterwards & was very upset at me for acting so cruelly & for shaming him in front of people.

I felt so guilty & ashamed at my behavior. I felt so sad for hurting my boyfriend's feelings. I care for him a lot & I don't know why I did what I did. I have done similar things (though I've never slapped anyone before) in the past. . either mouthing off or swearing at my boyfriend.

Usually up to that point my boyfriends think I am a great catch & they have treated me really well. But then I do something like this! With my current boyfriend, I must admit I have some doubts, but I think he is great overall & he treats me well. We've argued in the past over topics & have no problem communicating & forgiving each other once these arguments are over.

So why do I do this when I am drunk? I fear that these actions mean I must not respect him or that I have unresolved anger towards him (or men in general) and this will ultimately lead me to end this relationship. The problem is I don't want to end yet another relationship.

I have a tendency to nitpick at my boyfriends til I find a flaw to end it' or push them to break up with me because I can't stand the uncertainty of whether this will last. I realize nobody is perfect (me included, obviously!) but I hate that I am so hyper critical of those I date.

This hyper critical nature started 3 yrs ago after a devastating break up with my only longterm boyfriend of 1 yr. I broke up with him because I felt like I was being taken for granted & I realized I felt a pressure to be 'good' with him & I could never express my anger with him.

Plus I had overlooked some major flaws that caused me to end it. I ignored my intuition that he may be gay. When I finally got up the nerve to break up with him I was devastated by it and was depressed for a year because I doubted myself & felt weak & like a failure and I felt guilty for hurting his feelings.

Now I am ultra cautious about falling in love with somebody. I've been in 3 relationships since this past one & I have ended all of them. I see a pattern in all of them & am sick of going through the same thing over & over again. I usually date someone who thinks I'm great initially & I start nitpicking at them and they become more critical of me. Then I have a drunken episode' and they are turned off by me.

I know these behaviors are in my control & I don't think I am the victim.  but I want to know how to change & understand why I let myself get drunk & say/do these mean things. . am I actually such an awful person underneath? Do I really hate men? I don't think I do & I know I am in love with my current boyfriend & it is a scarey thing for me to face.

Here is a bit about my background (since I know this information is crucial to understanding my behavior): I am an attractive and educated (am a post-doc) 29 yr old female. I know I have a fear of abandonment/ losing men that are close to me. . this is due to my losing my father in a sudden car accident when I was four. I have been in therapy to talk about this loss & I have written poems & letters to express my feelings of loss, but I know I still have this fear.

Plus I have a lot of inner anger. I usually feel awfully ashamed, sad & angry and disappointed in myself during these rare drunk moments too. I have tried in the past to figure out why I feel this way, I can list all the awful things that men in the past have done to me. These things make me feel sad & angry, but I thought I was over these events.

Plus, they were not traumatic' events: being dumped for not having sex, or being groped without my consent, feeling like I was used for sex by some of my past boyfriends. When I was a teenager I had big breasts for my size and a couple of times strangers grabbed my boobs out of the blue, while I walked down the street. I wasn't even dressed seductively!

I know I have problems being angry with people in the moment & probably repress these feelings. . that 's why when people tell me I'm sooo nice I get uncomfortable because I know I am not so nice & inside I am quite an angry person.

I know it is this angry self that is let loose at times when I drink. But why is it only when I am relationships this occurs & why is it always directed at my boyfriends.

How do I make it up to my current boyfriend? How do I ensure this doesn't happen again. I am tired of going through this over & over again! Please help me stop this destructive pattern.

Thanks.

Out of Control.


Answer

I'm impressed by the thoroughness of your letter. I really have a good picture of who you are. Here's my understanding of what's going on: You criticize, nitpick, doubt, and insult your boyfriends, then you attack them even more vehemently during a drunken binge. I think that the unconscious goal of all these behaviors is to hasten the end of the relationship.

It seems to me that your need to provoke the end of your relationships in a defense mechanism that I call 'dying by your own sword.' We humans like to be in control. Your behavior insures that the end of your relationship will be in your hands, not the other persons'.

I believe that the loss of your father has primed your psyche to expect abandonment. Your brain tells you that relationships can't last. By unconsciously arranging to die by your own sword, you are taking the guesswork out of the when, where, and how your relationships will end.

As for the rage that erupts when you're drunk, I think that you never got in touch with how furious you are at your father for his leaving you. When you get drunk and your inhibitions are lowered, you temporarily release the rage, like taking an emotional dump. The dump releases the tension, but doesn't help you gain insight into how the feeling relates to your history.

Your feeling is floating in space and you are totally disassociated from it. What's more, when you act out when you are drunk, you set yourself up for a beating. Either you berate yourself with guilt or your boyfriend punishes you for your terrible behavior.

Here's what needs to happen. You need to stop drinking so that you no longer have the opportunity to release your rage in such a nonprogressive and even destructive way. The pent up rage will begin to build and you will feel emotional pressure. Then and only then will you be on the verge of healing your problem through talking therapy.

When the rage comes out in a therapeutic setting, you will be able to make the necessary links between past and present. You will realize that you're mad at your father and you will be able to work through all your feelings of hurt, anger, and fear.

You are going to need to bear of lot of emotional frustration in order to break this destructive behavior pattern. You need to see that all your behavioral enactments (the criticizing, the nitpicking, the drunken rages) enable you to release feelings that you aren't even aware of. These enactments also prevent you from discovering the real feelings that lie beneath the behaviors.

For example, when you nitpick, you may be escaping a feeling of fear of closeness or fear of abandonment. If you resist going into your habitual behaviors and sit tight, your real feelings will surface for you to study and resolve.

If you get nothing else from this letter, get the fact that you must resist your habitual behaviors so that you can allow your real feelings to surface so that they can be worked through. It is this working through process that will help you to release all the feelings that have been festering inside you since you were little.

Then and only then will you be free to have a healthy relationship.

- Doctor Love

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