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A Recurring Disaster

March 8, 2004

Question

Dear Doctor Love,

I am currently in a relationship with a guy who is probably the most caring, attentive, and sweet person I have ever met. I want it to work more than anything to be with him. The problem I am having has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

Every time a guy I care about starts caring about me I freak out and find some way to mess things up. It's like I need to be treated badly in order to function. I know it's not healthy and I want to change it.

I hate feeling this way. I have already started distancing myself from my boyfriend and I know it's really confusing for him. I try to explain to him where I am coming from but I don't really even know anymore.

I'm guessing most of my problems with men stem from the horrible relationship I have with my dad. I already have a crappy relationship with my father, I can't stand to ruin things with this guy who has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

I don't know what to do. Any advice you could give would be very helpful.


Answer

I understand the bind you're in. Since you're dad mistreated you, you only know how to be dumped on. When a guy is nice to you, you are like a fish out of water. You drown and the only thing you know to do is to put yourself back in the water, by either provoking your boyfriend to mistreat you or by distancing yourself before the abusive pattern starts all over again.

The only way out for you is therapy, ideally group therapy where you will develop multiple new relationships in which you are loved, not abused. These new experiences will become the model after which you pattern all your outside relationships.

Believe me, this is the only way for you to heal. I am so excited to soon be starting the worlds' first online group (and individual therapy) so that people from all over the planet, from all cultures, religions, races, and ages, as well as people who live in remote areas where therapy isn't available can have access to this type of healing. I hope you will join me.

In the meanwhile, find a group in your area and start forming these new relationships today.

- Doctor Love

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