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Regret Having Left the Way You Did

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 10/15/2001 - 8:00pm
October 15, 2001

Question

i need advice on a big matter really i had a relationship with a lady about 9 years ago where she became pregnant now she had the baby the first year was ok with her but things changed her towards me i provided in the usual manner house mortgage  bills all that but she continued to see someone else i found out i was angry so instead of taking it out on her i thought it would be better if i left get out before things really start to get silly

now i regret doing what i did i moved to australia to start a new life  but i dont feel right in myself  i would like to get in touch with my daughter but im scared of the outcome would be  i know i left without saying goodbye i didnt really want to leave but pressures between us like  her leaving the house and loading everything on me like paying bills and mortgage all by myself i couldnt take it it was a joint mortgage house but she refused to pay her share so on top of all that no one was around for advice

i regret what i did to leave the way i did but i had no choice but to leave  do u have any advice you could help me with  i do need to contact my daughter because she is the innocent one here  and i really regret leaving this way


Answer

I respect your having the courage to face yourself and admit to your mistakes. I think it's also wonderful that you want to have a relationship with your daughter. She surely needs her father in her life.

Before you establish contact with your daughter, you are going to need to reach out to her mother, your ex. Here's where you are probably going to run into resistance. I know that you felt wronged by your ex. She cheated on you and dumped all the bills in your lap. You took off to escape the injustice. Meanwhile, I can bet you that your ex. feels wronged by you for your having taken off on her and your daughter.

I can also bet that your ex. isn't the type to take responsiblity for her own poor behavior. She surely isn't going to take responsiblity for having cheated on you or for having pushed your back to the wall. Not likely. My point is that if you want to get your daughter back, you are going to need to be the bigger person here. You are going to have to be the one to swallow your pride and eat a bit of crow.

You are going to have to listen and understand your ex-girlfriend's hurt and angry feelings about the way you left her and your daughter. You are going to have to bite your tongue and resist the temptation to counterblame her. You are going to have to accept responsibility for not having handled the situation well and for having harmed them. She is probably also going to need to be assured that you won't take off on them again if and when the going gets rough. If you find that she is intractable and wants to punish you by refusing to allow you to see your daughter, then appeal to her maternal instincts.

Remind her that no matter how mad she is at you, and no matter how much she wants to punish you, that she needs to put her feelings aside and do what's best for your daughter. Every child needs a father and to deprive her of this relationship would be damaging the child beyond repair. This is going to be the hardest task you've ever had to face.

In the end, all that matters is that your little girl has you in her life. Swallow your pride and you should be able to succeed in having your daughter in your life. Let me know what happens.

- Doctor Love

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