Is This Relationship Worth Saving?

Before you evaluate whether you should stay or leave the relationship, I think it would be good for you to look at what you might be doing to to create a rocky environment. If you clean up your side of the fence, and he's still being impossible, then you can decide whether the relationship will have a future or not.

My first impression is that you are both locked in a terrible vicious cycle. You said, and I quote, despite your counter attacks, daily protests, threats to leave, he doesn't change. Did it occur to you that he might be furious at you for the counter attacks and threats. In fact, I'm thinking that he behaves the way he does to pay you back for what you've said and done to infuriate him.

Now I know you're thinking, but I didn't start behaving this way before he starting bitching and complaining. At this point it doesn't matter who started. We can't see the forest from the trees any longer. In order to break out of the cycle, you need to clean up your side of the fence. That means you need to eliminate all the faulty fighting tactics you're using (read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) to identify the additional dysfunctional tactics that you're probably using without knowing it.

Once your side of the fence is clean, we will need to start from scratch. By this I mean, when he bitches, you will need to handle him from very differently than you have in the past. If he says or does something that offends you, you will use my X, Y Formula. This formula consists of stating what was said or done, how you feel about it, and what you would prefer in the future. This formula should be preceded by a disclaimer (a caring statement that says you're on his side and not out to deprive him of vital bodily parts).

There is a lot more that you need to know about how to properly address him when he's not speaking correctly to you. I wish I had the space in this column to go into full detail. You will find a complete explanation in my book on how to communicate your discontent in a way that will make him want to hear you and respond to you.

Clean up your side of the fence and learn how to communicate your anger properly, then and only then will you able to decide whether or not the relationship can be salvaged or not.