Scared and Confused

I can see why you are scared. You are on the verge of shaking up your entire life!

The problem is that you are in a conflict. Your conscience is plaguing you, meanwhile your heart is urging you to follow its guidance. You have said straight out that you want to be with this woman, and that the only thing stopping you is your fear of hurting your family. Of course you feel pained at the thought of hurting your husband and your children. You aren't a monster. But are you willing to overlook what appears to be your destiny in order to avoid hurting them?

Let's start with him. To stay with your husband, simply because you don't want to hurt him would mean that you are putting his feelings ahead of yours and caretaking him. You know, deep down, that you are not supposed to take care of others at your own expense.

Now, let's move to your kids. I am going to say something that I am sure will raise a lot of eyebrows, but I have to tell you that you are also not supposed to place your children ahead of yourself. I know that women have been socialized for centuries to be selfless, and put their children ahead of themselves. This isn't healthy. If you aren't taking care of number one, you have nothing left to give to your children. There has to be a way that you can respect your sexual identity and still take care of your girls.

There are all kinds of ways that this situation can shake down. You and your husband may agree that you will stay on in the house until your girls leave home (if you are comfortable with this). You may decide to leave home and share custody. He may decide to leave home and let you be the custodial parent. There needs to be a lot of patient discussion, listening and understanding before any final plans are reached.

You will probably need to have a therapist facilitate these talks, so that they stay productive. You will also need to be prepared for intense emotional fallout. Your husband will be angry, hurt, and so will your kids. You will be wise to engage in couples and family therapy sessions. In the end, your decision must be guided by insuring that you take care of yourself (respecting your true sexual identity).

At the same time, you must be considerate of your family's feelings. Your husband is going to need you to ride the rollercoaster of emotions with him. Your kids will need the same, along with an added touch. They will need you to listen openly to their wishes regarding what they desire in terms of custody and their living situation. Try to be as responsive to them as possible. They will be feeling pretty out-of-control when they find out that their mom is a lesbian, so whatever you can do to allow them to be in control of how their life shakes down from this point on will be helpful.

Just one thing for you to keep in mind. I know that you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman. You have been with her for six months, which is already a long time. If you still feel the same way about her after a full year, then you can be fairly sure that you aren't simply dealing with lust or infatuation. But, here's a question to consider.

If, for whatever reason, your relationship with her doesn't work out, would you still want to leave your family?In other words, are you so committed to this alternative lifestyle that, you would still want to leave your family and follow your true identity even if you weren't with your current lover?If your answer is yes, then you can be even more confident in your choice.

Last but not least. Don't think for one minute that you won't feel guilty in following your heart. You will feel guilty, and you shouldn't even try to stop the flow of these feelings. Any normal person would feel guilt over doing what you are about to do. You will need to feel the guilt and do what you have to do anyway.

In terms of making it easier for him. Some men feel less wounded when they find out that their wives are lesbians. If you leave the relationship to be with another woman, as opposed to leave for another man your husband may feel relieved ('Well at least she didn't choose another guy who is better than I am'). On the other hand, if a man is prone to low self-esteem, he can use the discovery that his wife is a lesbian to pound himself even deeper into the dirt (thinking, 'I was such a lousy husband and lover that she swore off all men').

If your husband reacts this way, you can help him out by telling him that you were always attracted to women, you just didn't have the courage to admit it until now. And, that as far as men go, he is the best around in terms of being a good husband, lover and father.

It takes guts to follow your heart and choose a lifestyle that is still not accepted by the mainstream. Perhaps your husband and your children will come to understand how hard it to admit to being homosexual in this society. Perhaps you can also help them to see that it took you many years to gather the self-confidence to admit your sexual identity. Had you reached this level of self-development at a younger age, you may not have married.

However, you need to remind your husband that you never regret having married him (and that you will always love him); and you need to reassure your children that you are so thankful that your marriage produced them.

Keep in touch with me and let me know how you progress on this difficult journey.