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Scrutinizing the Situation in Seattle

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 04/21/2003 - 8:00pm
April 21, 2003

Question

Dear Dr. Love-

I am a 20 year old college student. My boyfriend is 22, and we've been dating for a little over a year. We were very close friends before we began dating, and our relationship has grown to what it is today. We have so much in common, we are very much in love, and we talk about things such as our future, our dreams, and our life together. We have an open and honest relationship, and a deep understanding for each other that is truly amazing.

Recently, we have been talking about moving in together. Our parents support this decision, and I feel that we are ready for the move. My problem is, how will this affect our relationship? I've read many studies on the probability of divorce in couples that live together before marriage. Also, he's chosen to forgo taking a summer internship across the country so that he can stay here and move in together, with the agreement that when he graduates halfway through the upcoming year, I will move with him to wherever he obtains a job (which would mean moving away from my family, friends, and everything I've ever known).

I really love and trust him, but I'm somewhat afraid of leaving the security of my home. I've lived independently supporting myself for 3 years now, and I don't doubt that we can live together (we practically do now), I'm just scared of jumping out away from my established life, and the only place I've ever called home. I've told him that picking up my life and moving away with him frightens me, and I'm scared to have to depend on him so much. He tells me that he'll take care of me, and reassures me that everything will be fine, but I just don't know. . .

What if something happened? I'd be all alone out there, I wouldn't know what to do. That kind of dependence might strain our relationship. But if it does work out, it will truly be worth the risk. I know this is a step that will have a great impact on my life forever, so am I too young to be considering this? I really love him and I'd do anything for him, but I want to do what's best for us and our relationship. I don't want to make any mistakes.

Sincerely, Scrutinizing the Situation in Seattle


Answer

You are experiencing separation anxiety triggered by the prospect of leaving your family. On top of that, you are terrified that if your relationship doesn't work out with your boyfriend that you will be completely abandoned and alone, which is making you even more afraid to separate from your family.

I notice that you said that you view moving to another part of the country as synonymous with depending on your boyfriend. It seems like you have felt dependent on your family and that you will be forced to be dependent on your boyfriend and no one else when you are far from your family.

I think that you need to study why don't you feel that you can take care of yourself even if it doesn't work out with your boyfriend? Why do you see yourself as being trapped at the far ends of the earth with no way back? Couldn't you return home if it didn't work out with him and you wanted to be nearer your family?

You're in a state of panic and your mind is running amok. You need to slow down and realize that nothing is carved in stone. You can move away and come home. The bottom line is that you need to look at your dependency issues. I don't know if separation is particularly hard for you because you have never emotionally separated from your family. People can become overly dependent either because of deprivation in childhood or overindulgence.

In other words, if your parents were never there for you, you would find it hard to let go of them; likewise, you would find it hard to let go if your parents were overprotective and never let you cut the cord. As you study these questions, you will have a better understanding of why you feel so dependent and incapable of standing on your own two feet.

Taking baby steps toward independence (from your boyfriend and your family) will help you to feel stronger and more competent. The steps that will enhance your growth will have to come from you. These steps aren't about physical distance, but more about creating a sense of yourself as fully self-sufficient. You are on the path. Let me know how you progress.

- Doctor Love

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