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Sick of the Rollercoaster

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 12/27/2001 - 7:00pm
in
December 27, 2001

Question

Dr Love, I've written to you before, implemented your suggestions, and yet find myself mired in a quagmire.

My ex-fiance has been on again off again in a manner that has my head spinning. We were out in California visiting my daughter over Labor Day, and the last day we were there, she grew increasingly abrasive, culminating that night when she yelled at me telling me she didn't want me as a part of her life.

By the time we were on the plane the next day, she was snuggling up to me again. We had already called off an August wedding, rescheduled it for November. . . and soon that too would be called off, although this time by me. She is extremely self-centered in her view on the world, and can't seem to say goodbye, not without spewing hatred and anger. We were trying to patch things up XMas eve, when she struck me in the face after arguing.

Today, she was incredulous that I would make New Year's plans without her. Though purely middle class in salary, she spends money like she doesn't have to budget. . . . she was so driven in seeking a house for us to live in; then when we found one, had no money to contribute to the deposit or first month's rent.

From what I can tell, this is a pattern in her relationships including her marriage. . . which led me to wonder two things. . . . one, is she a borderline personality, and two, is there anything I can do?

As always, thanks. . . Sick of the roller coaster.


Answer

You are being abused by a woman who sounds like she is suffering from a borderline personality. No wonder you are sick of your life with her. You asked what you can do when she becomes abusive.

Here goes: First, the next time she goes off on you, stop her dead in her tracks by saying, 'I won't permit you to verbally lash me or physically assault me any longer. You can calmly tell me what I said or did and how that made you feel and I will try to understand, but you may not insult me any longer.'

If she doesn't stop misbehaving, you get up and leave the house or hang up the phone. As you head out tell her, 'When you are under control, let me know and we'll talk then. ' If you stop rewarding her bad behavior (by giving her attention), this should help, unless she is so damaged that she is unable to control herself.

If this turns out to the be the case, then you will need to insist that she see a therapist right away. As for her excess spending, you can follow the formulas in my book, which guide you step-by-step on how to present difficult issues and see the discussions through to resolution.

There isn't enough space to go into all the details here. So read the book for more on this. Keep in mind that your girlfriend's ego is fragile, so any confrontation on your part is going to bruise her and get her hackles up. So, when talking about the money or any other issue, try to use neutral phrasing and avoid the word 'you' all together.

For example, instead of saying, 'I have a problem with the way YOU are spending money, ' reword the confrontation so that you don't put her ego or self into the phrasing at all. For example, you might say, 'I am having some concerns about the down payment and wondered if we could talk about it. ' You will probably also need the help of a couples therapist to help you navigate your discussion of your most hot issues.

Hang in there. You are in for a long haul and a difficult uphill climb with this woman.

- Doctor Love

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