Sinking Deeper and Deeper

Dear Dr. Love, First of all I want to tell you how much I appreciate all the time you've taken to give so much to others. . . Thank you.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years now and have been together for 15. It's this: Once upon a time. . my husband couldn't get enough of me but there were the 3 kids. . . I had gone back to college. . the animals. . you name it, it took presidence over my relationship with my husband. Well. . that 's all past us now and we have the time for each other. We have had for several years.

The problem is that now I am the one who wants the affection and the sex. I've spoken with my husband about this many times over. Each time he promises to pay more attention to me and to try and have sex more often. Now it's not that it's non- existent. In fact we make love once a week. Usually on Saturday. Well maybe I should tell you. . we don't sleep together regularly because of his snoring so I have asked him to sleep with me on the weekends.

Anyway. . the problem is the lack of attention that he shows. I send him emails regularly. . sometimes sexy. . sometimes just to say good morning and that I'm thinking about him. He doesn't usually respond. It upsets me that he doesn't. I know that he reads the emails but always says he is too busy to respond or call me during the day. If I want to have sex more than once a week (and I always want it more than he does over the last several years) then he says he too tired. He falls asleep in his recliner most of the time and I'm left sitting wondering what I could be doing better and feeling hurt that he doesn't seem to be very interested in me anymore. Well, about a year ago an old friend contacted me.

Actually this old friend was my very first lover. I loved him deeply when we were teenagers. I am 43 now and I still feel that I love him even though we have only spoken through email and talk on the phone when we can. I feel guilty on the one hand for some of the conversations that we have. I know that I am having an emotional affair with him and that it's wrong but I crave the attention and affection that he gives me even though it's not physical.

I have tried everything that I can think of to tunnel the energy into loving my husband and it's killing me that he's not loving me back in the same way. I probably sound very selfish to you. . I just hurt. . my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do. I've even asked my husband to go and see a marriage counsler with me but he refuses. He knows that I talk to my friend but he doesn't know how I truly feel about my friend. I don't want to end my relationship with my friend because right now he gives me what I need emotionally.

I am to the point with my husband that it's getting to the point of too much hurt and it just doesn't seem worth all of the energy that I have and am putting into trying to get his attention. . . the kind he used to give. My husband is a very good man and I don't want to leave him but I have seriously thought about it over the last several years. My question is this. . . how do I make him love me like he used to? He says he does, but he doesn't show it.

Also over the last several years he has had a difficult time at times being able to get or maintain an erection. We had the doc check him out and says that there is no physical or chemical reason that he should being having problems. . . He is almost 49 now though. I've started believing that he's just not attracted to me any longer but is comfortable with the relationship and doesn't want to give it up. He just isn't willing to put a lot of effort into it. I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into this miserable depression that I've gotten myself into. Maybe it's my fault. . . I don't know. I truly need your advise. Much appreciation!