Sleepless

Dear Dr. Love, I've searched your archives and I've been able to find a lot of advice on making the first move and figuring out if a man/woman is attracted to you back. But I can't seem to find anything relating to my, what I seem to think is a complicated issue.

I'm 33, soon to be divorced with a 4 year old son. I'm very, very attracted to a co-worker who is 41, 1 1/2 years widowed with two children, boy and girl. We've become very good friends at work and via telephone conversations. I feel comfortable talking to him about just about anything. We can talk for hours on the phone, without running out of things to talk about. We speak now maybe 3 to 4 times a week, and I see him maybe 1-2 times a week, depending on his schedule. Here are the confusing parts.

We both stated in our initial conversations, that neither of us were ready for the dating scene or a relationship at this time. He's very involved with his kids and can't seem to find'me' time for himself these days. He said he didn't think it would be fair to anyone to get involved right now and although he would never say never, he said he just doesn't see it for the next 7 years. I however didn't see it in the near future either, but 7 years was a bit far fetched, and here I am falling for this guy.

I've only told two people of this crush; one trusted co-worker and a very close friend. They both say, that the signs are there that he's attracted also. He stops by my office for no reason, calls at work sometimes just to say hello, he won't reply to any work emails, he calles instead for the simplest of answers, most recently he has started calling me for the smallest of things. . . that sometimes even makes me think, 'now he could have done that, or should have known that ' but I don't even care, its just another chance to get to speak with him. In joking or speaking he touches my shoulder a lot, and offers a very nice smile always. He's even suggested that I come over a few times to teach him how to use his computer when he finds the time.

So my problem? He is still having a lot of sleepless nights and bad days, thinking about his wife. His kids are still going through some trying times also. One even told him that his mom said she didn't want him to re-marry. I'm afraid of rejection, I'm even afraid to ask him out to lunch!! How do I know if he's really intersted or just being a friend? How long do I wait after the death of a spouse? How do you get in with the kids to accept you first as a friend, and not an intruder when we finally do get to do someth ing just with the families? (not on a relationship basis)

I truly value his friendship right now and would hate to reveal my crush on him and he back away for fear of leading me on or whatever. I'm torn apart about all of this, and can't sleep at night, just wondering if it will ever happen.

Pleas help me, I'm at a lost for answers with this one. Not to mention at a lost for dating period. Its been 9 years since I've had to do this sort of thing!!