Home › Sleepovers with Single Mom & Kids?

Sleepovers with Single Mom & Kids?

Submitted by jamie on Tue, 02/16/2010 - 1:29pm
in
February 16, 2010

Question
I've been dating a single mother with two pre-teen children for six months. She has shared custody (The kids are with her every other week). I've been sleeping over only when the children weren't there.   I love her, and we have talked about me moving in sometime late this summer, with the idea that we would be married after that if all went well.   Tonight, she wanted me to stay overnight while the kids were there. I had a late event to attend, so I didn't, and haven't had the opportunity to talk to her about this issue. I'm not so sure this is a good idea.   I have a good relationship with her kids. She has been divorced for a little over a year. I have been divorced for 4 years (I have two grown children).   I know that kids need to feel secure and need boundaries in their lives. I wonder if me staying overnight occasionally before I "Officially" move in will undermine those aspect of their lives, and potentially cause difficulties later when and if we are a family. Thanks for your advice   Signed: NoJammies    

 


Answer

Wow! I hope you can feel my admiration for you coming through the screen. What a responsible and mature man you are. You are going to make such a wonderful stepfather to these kids and husband to your wife to be.

  I completely understand your misgivings.
I would say the best thing to do is to talk to your soon-to-be-finance and share your concerns with her. You want to hear more about her values. You want to know what message she's comfortable sending her children. Does she feel comfortable having you sleep over before you're engaged and committed? There are no rules. You just want to be clear on the message. She might be very liberal and feel comfortable with the idea of living together in order to find out if you want to go forward and commit to marriage. If that fits with her value system and she's comfortable conveying that message to her kids, then that's her business and how she wants to raise them.   Then the question becomes whether her value system clashes with yours. It sounds as though you aren't comfortable sleeping over before you're engaged.   First you and your lover needs to get on the same page.
Then, if you both see eye-to-eye and find it acceptable to have you sleep over before you're engaged, then it would be a good idea to talk to the kids. Tell them how you feel about each other, what your plans are and ask them how they feel.   This is a tricky situation. So long as everyone is talking openly and sharing, you will come up with a plan that respects your various values and feelings.
I'm interested to hear how this plays out. So please let me know. 

- Doctor Love

Did you find this article helpful, informative, inspiring?

If so, please help me keep this site alive and growing by spreading the word to others or checking out my books and programs. You can:

  • Share this

Syncrohearts Board Game