Tempted by the Forbidden

Thanks for your sweet words. It's people like you who make the time that I invest in my advice column worthwhile.

You are in a sticky situation. From what you say, he has begun to regret the time you spend together and he has started to distance himself because he is too uncomfortable with the pressure that you are exerting on him for more than he is willing to give.

The painful truth is that you are in love with someone who isn't available. You said yourself that you are tempted by the forbidden, and I think that you would benefit by examining whether you are especially attached to him because you can't have him. I have seen this pattern a thousand times: a person yearns for the unavailable object; then when the unavailable person becomes available, the interest fades away.

When someone falls for and can't let go of an unavailable person, unfinished childhood business is always the culprit. If you had an unavailable mother or father, you will find yourself drawn to this type of person as a lover, partly because it's familiar, and partly because you want to rewrite your history with a happy ending. If you succeed in winning the unavailable person's love, your unconscious mind will feel as though you won your parent's love, thereby healing the childhood wound.

Unfortunately, this scenario never succeeds in healing the early wound because invariably we choose a lover who is distant and unavailable like our parents were, hence we end up reinjuring ourselves rather than healing. You will want to examine whether I am right. If I am, gaining more insight can help you to free yourself from this impossible attachment.

Now, let's return to here and now aspects of your predicament. He has told you straight out that he isn't leaving his girlfriend, so you are left with only two choices: one, see him as a friend, which seems impossible given your strong love for him; and two; let him go. I think that the second option is the only one that is open to you at this point, and this means that you are going to need to grieve the loss of him, just the way one grieves at the end of a love affair.

You will probably need to dilute your feelings for him and the only way to achieve this is by distancing yourself from him during your grieving process. When you have completed the grieving, then and only then will you be able to determine whether a friendship with him is possible. If he is as perfect for you as you say he is, you may not be able to tolerate the frustration of having him as a friend.

We don't know how you will feel down the road, so wait and see. I am thinking that there is a chance that your backing off may give him the impetus to break up with his girlfried. In other words, the loss of you may be the push he needs to break up with her. But, remember one important thing. You can't back away from him as a game in order to lure him back to you. You must back off because he has given you no other choice but to give him up.

If your backing off bears fruit, wonderful. If it doesn't bear the fruit you want, at least you will be obtaining closure to this painful situation. I am sorry that you have to go through this. Keep in touch and let me know how you do.