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Terrified

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 02/19/2001 - 8:00pm
February 19, 2001

Question

Dear Dr. Love,

I'm a 15 year old student. I recently confessed my feelings for a friend of mine, Amber. She likes me too. I was telling her sweet things that I was afraid to tell her earlier, before I learned that she liked me. She was returning the sweet comments.

We did this, and I gave her a comment that had a large impact on her, 'Amber, you are the reason I'm a sweet person. You made me see that there were more to girls that what was on the surface. You make me want to be a better man, and for that you deserve the world. ' And I meant that w/ all me heart.

She cried, in happiness, because she said no other guy has been so sweet to her, and then there was some silence. We were thinking the same thing. I was about to say to her that I love her, but she stopped me, and asked me not to say it. She feels exactly the way that I do.

But she's scared that she'll screw up and maybe destroy the relationship, and the friendship (she is my closest and most valued friend by the way) because of something she does. And I have the same worries as she does. We are really worried about if one of us screws up, and we never talk to each other again.

All of this happened in a 3 hour time period, which shocked me a little. I went from like to love in so little time.

We don't want to screw things up, and are going to sort them out. Wait a little, till we are comfortable with the risk we are about to take:

Go out, mess up, and end a 4 year long close friendship, or even if we stay together, what about when we go to college. I'm joining the military, and she' going to San Francisco for college.

I need help. Advice. I'm scared and totally out of my mind right now.

Please, I'm young, but I really do love this girl, with all my heart.


Answer

I hear that you are both terrified and with good reason. You both have a script in your heads that tells you how this relationship is going to play out. Funny thing about scripts is that they tend to get played out just as written.

If you reread your letter to me, you will see that both of you are following the same script: either one or both of you will screw up and destroy the relationship by never talking to the other again.

No wonder you are both scared stiff. It sounds like a holocaust is in your future, and that all you can do is wait for disaster to strike! There is a way out of this impending disaster. You both need t ounderstand that you are both impulsive, action-oriented people.

In order to head-off the disaster, you both need to recognize your tendency to act out when you are angry. Specifically, never talking again to someone who has screwed up classifies as acting out angry feelings. If you want a relationship that is immune from such an abrupt ending, both of you must agree to talk, not act, when you are upset with each other. You will screw up with each other. Count on it. We all do. But, if you both know that you can talk, not act, your relationship will be a sanctuary, not a cemetery. Your choice.

My book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) will show you how to communicate your angry feelings in a constructive way so that you don't need to express them in relationship destructive actions, such as never talking to each other again.

There is hope. Do the work and you will be fine.

- Doctor Love

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