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Is There Anything More That You Can Do?

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 03/31/2003 - 8:00pm
in
March 31, 2003

Question

I have just found out that my husband of 12 years is having an affair.

I found out a month ago and asked him to leave as he wished to continue staying at home and to still see her and I could not tolerate the situation. We have three children whom I have managed to not involve as yet. He works away a lot in any case and they are used to him being away. I am in a terrible limbo now as I don't know what is going to happen. He has gone to live with her though it is 140 miles away and he cannot work while he is there as he is unable to commute.

I am devastated and don't know what to do. I am trying to put on a brave face for my children and for work, and my friends who know have been supportive. I know I should try and move on but I can't - I want him back and miss and love him desperately even though he has done this to me. He knows how I feel as I have told him - he said that if he had known how I felt he would not have done it - he felt neglected and I didn't pay him enough attention. The relationship did have its problems but I did not expect this - it is like being hit with a sledgehammer.

I went to see the other woman when I was in her town on a business trip two weeks ago but she threatened to call the police for my harrassment of her ( I haven't). I knew it wouldn't do anything except assuage my curiosity which it did. I know that trying to sabotage the relationship is not going to bring him back. Is there any hope? He has said he needs time and that he can't just finish with her as he has feelings for her but that not all his feelings for me are gone either. He also says I have forced him out against his will as he wanted to stay for the sake of the children but that I feel is just an excuse.

He knows how much I love him but that I can't face seeing him while he is with her. I don't want to do anything legal at the moment as I don't know what is going to happen and I don't want him to hate me. I am planning however to see a solicitor just to ascertain my rights and his rights with regard to the children. He says he has nowhere but our house to go when he returns home to Liverpool but I have asked him to find somewhere else to stay and he is saying that I am alienating him from his children - but I am not - I just don't want him in the house while he is still sleeping with her.

Is there anything more I can do or say to help him decide or is he the only one who can do that? Thanks in advance for any advice


Answer

You have already done a lot. The ball is in his court now.

If he wants the marriage, he needs to make the decision to devote himself to you and working on repairing your relationship. That can't happen as long as he's invested in someone else.

You aren't taking his children from him. He can still see them. You are simply setting a limit on what you will and won't tolerate for yourself. The one thing that you can do that you haven't done is to tell him that you are willing to work on the marriage and take responsibility for whatever it is that you have done to push him away from you and you are open to hearing about what you can do differently to make him happier in the marriage.

I hope that all works out for you.

- Doctor Love

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