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Tired of Pleading

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 11/25/2002 - 8:00pm
in
November 25, 2002

Question

Dear Dr. Love,

my husband has been going to go go bars every Friday for the past 7 years. Although I have let him know this bothers me, he refuses to give it up. He hides under the guise that he works hard and its only for an hour or 2.

I also work very hard, and take care of a house and 3 kids, one of which is his from a previous marriage. I am at my wits end and dread Fridays. It makes me so sick with worry. What can I do????

Besides that he goes with men who are not married or are in a bad marriage. I don't know what else to do and have tried and pleaded for a long time now.


Answer

You are being mistreated. Unfortunately, you've become the boy who cried wolf. You cry and plead, but you still stick around for the abuse.

Your husband isn't going to change his behavior until he gets the message that you mean business. That means that you have to be willing to take this to the mat. You have to develop the inner strength to know that you are able and willing to leave if he doesn't start considering your feelings.

I am not telling you to get a lawyer or draw up papers. I'm talking about making the internal shift that says, 'no more. ' Once he feels that you have power--the power of choice, the power to take action in your life, he will sit up and take notice of you.

You aren't likely to gain this power on your own, so I suggest that you join a women's group. They will help you to use your aggression effectively so that you assert yourself and your limits rather than plead, which is a very ineffective use of your aggression.

- Doctor Love

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