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Torn Apart

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 11/29/1999 - 8:00pm
in
November 29, 1999

Question

Dear Doctor, I am not used to asking for advice on these things but I can't help it now. So please bear with me. I am a 19 yrs old college student and I have known this girl KG since I got here. I regard her as my best female friend and honestly the person I care and respect the most besides my family - which leads to my present predicament. I first met her when she was one of my best friend's girlfriend and we got to know each other throughout last yr. For some odd reasons I was never attracted to her even though she is considered very attractive by other guys. Oh by all means she is one of the prettiest girl I've ever met in my life. But all through last yr I didn't like her in that way at all. Well anyway she broke up with her boyfriend over the summer -- which makes it possible for her to spend a lot more time with me. In the last 8 months our friendship grew so fast that I know she'd be irreplaceable in my life. I dunno if she thinks I am her best guy friend but that 's ok. For all I know she'll always have my undivided attention. Recently, I am suddenly unsure of my feelings for her. I am a novice in relationship and even though I am not shy. My friends all say I have an amazing ability to make friends. It's just that I don't know what to do from then on. People say i am a funny and sensitive guy but deep down, I know it all doesn't matter cuz I don't have the attractiveness girls want in a guy. I am ok looking (nowhere near handsome but I am not ugly), but I know I don't attract. Anyway it has suddenly dawn to me how much I love KG and how much I ache for her when she's not around. I'd never met another person I care so much for and would sacrifice anything for. I can't tell if she likes me or not cuz sometimes it seems I am the center of her world, and sometimes she just doesn't care at all. But the problem is (as you'd probably guess), I treasure the friendship too much to risk it. She is also a novice in relationship and in fact, my best friend was her first boyfriend. Recently she's been meeting this guy BH and they are (I guess) dating. I've never met him but I am sure he is a nice person, as KG is really careful and stingy in picking guys. One thing you must know is though KG and I are close, we never talk about intimate relationship problems. It be the saddest thing in my life to ruin the friendship by letting KG knows I like her. But I am hopelessly jealous whenever she talks about him - though I dare not show it. The few people who know this keep telling me to leave it the way it is. It's too valuable to risk and I should be a man and just suck it up. But everytime I see her I love her even more. Also, another reason I don't want to do anything is that she genuinely enjoys dating BH and it'd be the last thing I want for her to be unhappy. If she is truly happy with him, how wrong is it for me to ruin her happiness by letting her know I love her? I can't help loving her but i'd only screw things up if I do anything. I am not even sure if my love for her is just 'overdriven respect'. What can I do? Sincerely, Torn Apart


Answer

You have two different issues. First, you seem to think that declaring your love to this girl will destroy your friendship. And, second, you seem to believe that you will ruin her happiness if you tell her that you love her.

Let's start with the second issue. I know you love this girl and want her to be happy. But, no one is supposed to deny his own feelings in order to make another person happy. In other words, you are taking care of her at your own expense. The question is, does she need you to take care of her? Did she ask for this?

You are making all kinds of self-sacrifices that she never asked for. Remember, you are supposed to be true to yourself and your feelings. If you love her, then you have every right to tell her. If this upsets the applecart with the guy she's currently dating, then that's what happens. She has a right to know how you feel. She also has the right to make a choice between you and the other man. You can't make that choice for her by being silent.

As for your first concern, that your friendship will be jeopardized if you admit your love. Why? Why can't you go on being friends even if she decides not to become your lover. If you are cool with that, then why won't she be? That's what's happening now. You're friends and you love her. So why couldn't that arrangement continue even after an honest disclosure? Is there something you know about this girl that I don't?

Would she be the type to drop you once she finds out you love her? If that is the case, then I can understand why you'd be afraid to come clean with her. If it is true that she would want to drop your friendship in the event that she's not interested in becoming your lover, then you can also open that discussion up.

Would she feel afraid to lead you on by staying friends? Would she feel silently pressured to give more than she can give? If all her hesitations are put on the table and resolved, then there is no reason why the friendship couldn't go on, in the event of a worst case scenario--she doesn't want to date you.

So, you need to decide. No matter what you decide, don't spend your life taking care of others and sacrificing yourself. The people you sacrifice for won't be happier for it, since most of the sacrifices you make have nothing to do with what they want anyway. And, sacrificers up a miserable martyrs. Let me know what you decide to do.

- Doctor Love

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