Torn Between Two Lovers

You say that whenever you are with either of the two men, you feel guilty over not being with the other. You remind me of a person whose mother and father used him/her as a pawn by bribing the child into taking sides or by spoiling the child in order to become the favorite parent. No matter whose side the child takes, he/she feels guilty to betray the other parent.

When you said that you felt guilty each time you favor one or the other man, I had to wonder if your parents tried to guilt trip you each time you bought the seduction and favored one parent over the other. Think back to your childhood and see if you find the origin of this pattern.

If you aren't playing out a pattern that you experienced as a kid, then there is only one other likely cause for your problem. If you were over-indulged (spoiled) as a kid and never taught to live with frustration, then you would find it hard to settle down with one person. Settling down requires a great deal of frustration tolerance because no one guy can meet all your needs.

Choosing one person means sealing off other options, which is an exercise in frustration tolerance. If you aren't accustomed to tolerating frustration, you will always feel the urge to run back to the other guy who clearly fills in the blanks that are missing in your current relationship. Then when you start yearning for what the other guy gives you, you are on the road again.

The only way to break the cycle is to learn to tolerate frustration. Here's how to build it. Sit with the frustrated feelings and don't go into action--such as breaking up. Then talk to yourself. Remind yourself that all choices involve frustration and sitting with the feelings is part of growing up. I don't agree that giving both of the men up will solve your problem.

If you are struggling with a divided loyalty issue that dates back to childhood, the problem will crop up again and again, no matter who you are with. Likewise, if you haven't learned frustration tolerance, you will break up with each and every boyfriend as soon as the road gets rocky or less than satisfying.

You also might want to revamp your view of love. Instead of seeing men in terms of what they can give you, you might start thinking about what you can give to them. Focusing on the other person, rather than on yourself will change your life.

Instead of always thinking in terms of what this or that guy is giving you, you will start to think about what you can give to others, thereby becoming and more giving and loving person.